


Feathers & Firearms

by Rogue of Heart (Akumeoi)



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/M, Gen, Humanstuck
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-23
Updated: 2013-03-19
Packaged: 2018-02-10 16:42:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 23,149
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2032290
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Akumeoi/pseuds/Rogue%20of%20Heart
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The wind was screaming at him that he was a really dumb shit and that he should turn back, turn back, you wretched little fucker, because there’s no way you can beat mother nature, no matter how cool you are... But he was a Strider, and Striders never gave up, even if they were orange and feathery Striders.</p><p>So Dave kept flying, kept going, kept running.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

The wind was screaming at him that he was a really dumb shit and that he should turn back, turn back, you wretched little fucker, because there’s no way you can beat mother nature, no matter how cool you are. The rain was pelting his face with tiny needles of ice that stung and burned and froze him to the core. But he was too many miles away from shore to turn back now, so Dave had no choice but to keep flying.

His wings felt as if they would be ripped off at any moment, and his clothes were completely waterlogged, from his Converse to his borrowed leather jacket. He wished his shades weren’t tinted so much, but if he hadn’t been wearing them he would have been able to see even less, and that was saying something.

Having a bird’s instinct for navigation as well as these goddamned wings, Dave knew that he was going the wrong way, out to sea instead of back to the coast like he’d planned, but he was helpless against the wind so damned if he wasn’t going to keep flying. He had no time to be afraid of drowning. He was a Strider, and Striders never gave up, even if they were orange and feathery Striders.

So Dave kept flying, kept going, kept running.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a gift for my friend Aidan, who is wonderful, and I love him.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Jade Harley finds and rescues a mysterious avian visitor.

Jade loved storms.

Being used to loud noises like gunshots, she was never fazed by the thunder, and the lightning she thought was so cooooool! There was just something super exciting about watching the rain pound and the sea turn grey and churn up froth. She liked to stay up and watch the show from her bedroom window, especially on summer nights like these. Bec would sit beside her, his big head resting on her knee, his tail waving slowly and thumping against the floors as she absentmindedly stroked his shoulders.

Sometimes he would wag back at the thunder, which Jade thought was adorable.

Today’s storm was slightly different in one way – Bec wasn’t sitting calmly, he was standing alert with his nose pressed up against the window, hackles raised. At first Jade had tried to comfort him, but by now she had given up, because she felt it too: this storm was blowing something in. In fact, she had dreamed of a storm last night, but hadn’t thought that it was a special dream, like the ones she got about meteor showers and fire.

Something would come of or out of this storm, and Jade was very excited for it, whatever it was! Her ears pricked up at every boom of thunder just as her dog’s did.

Around 10:00 at night, Bec started from his vigil and started whining. He sniffed the air, pawing softly at Jade’s leg, but then the scent – or whatever it was he could sense, it was always hard to tell with Bec – was gone, and he sat down again, the fur on his ruff bristling. Over the next hour he began to intermittently stand and yelp and sit and wag.

At 11:30 precisely, he stood and began to growl ferociously, and did not sit down again.

Throughout all this, Jade remained sure that whatever was arriving was not evil. She had never seen Bec act this way for so long before, although once when the mail plane had actually had to land to deliver a fragile package he had been similarly tense. But he had waited until the plane was actually coming in to land to growl at it.

Suddenly, Bec broke out into barking, and Jade lept to her feet. For a moment he eyes frantically scanned the sky, roaming through the churning clouds, until she caught a glimpse of movement and finally saw it. Some huge bird-thing was trying to fly through the storm towards her.

It was the strangest flying creature she had ever seen. For a moment, as she squinted at it, Jade could have sworn it was a dragon. Then she realised that the creature was in terrible trouble. For every two wing strokes it took forward, the wind blew it one back, and it seemed as though it wouldn’t be long before it was blown away entirely.

“Shhhh,” Jade said, urgently patting Bec’s head. She didn’t know what kind of creature was out there, but she couldn’t watch it drown or have its wings torn off. That would be terrible!

Unconsciously she stood, her hand still on her dog, and then – she knew what to do. Saying hastily, “Stay,” she ran into the hallway and began flicking on every single light switch she could find, throwing all the curtains open, and lighting any flashlights, fake fireplaces, and screens she happened to find on the way. When she had illuminated every room in the house as brightly as possible, she ran back to her room, heart pounding, where Bec was obediently waiting where she had left him.

“Good boy,” she said breathlessly.

She had effectively turned her home into a lighthouse.

When she couldn’t find the creature for a moment, her heart beat faster as she breathlessly scanned the sky. She thought she saw a glimpse of something – oh, it was lost in the clouds – oh, there it was! Still flapping furiously. Thunder crashed and rolled over the island, and the flying creature was trying to land.

A flash of lightning lit the sky, and it was then that Jade saw something incredible. The silhouette of the creature at last resolved itself into a familiar shape, and she saw that it wasn’t a creature at all, but a person. A person with wings.

This would be the only person Jade had ever seen on the island who wasn’t related to her or working for her Grandpa. And it – he? – had wings. And was trying to land, and was being blown off course.

Jade threw open the window, stuck her head out into the driving rain, and yelled, “Come on, come on, you can do it!”

The rain poured down her face and neck, soaking her shirt and the floor around her, but she didn’t care. She started hopping up and down, yelling encouragements to the flying man. Bec started barking again, but Jade didn’t notice. Her gaze was fixed on the sky.

As the flying man came closer and closer, Jade prayed he wouldn’t land in the ocean or on her house, which he would probably fall off of. But no, he was headed for – the lagoon.

Not wasting a second, Jade shut the window (it wasn’t like he could hear her) and left the room, grabbing a length of rope, a flashlight, and a raincoat, and then, with Bec at her side, ran out into the storm.

The hammer blow of the wind as Jade opened the door nearly knocked her off her feet. She staggered towards the lagoon, Bec walking protectively beside her. His growls were lost in the incredibly heavy rain, which wasn’t so much rain as an extra ocean being dumped on their heads. Even with all the lights on in her house and a flashlight in her hand she almost fell into the lagoon herself. As she arrived, the flying man was flapping desperately over the centre of the lake, which was itself thrashing around with little two foot waves, miniature whitecaps included. Lifting her flashlight, Jade tried to guide him away from the lake, but she really had no idea if he could even see it.

He was close enough now that Jade could see his mouth was set grimly beneath the dark-tinted glasses he was wearing. It was a wonder they weren’t being torn off his face by the wind. She slipped the rope off of her shoulder, dumping it on the ground, and waited breathlessly for him to land.

His wings gave out when he was just twenty feet from shore. Jade gasped and, again telling Bec to stay, splashed into the lagoon and started wading towards him. From the way he was thrashing around, it was clear that he was in trouble. Her heart in her throat, Jade yelled, “Hold on, I’m coming!”

Just as she reached him, he went under.

Jade would not let that happen. She didn’t know who this impossible person was or what he was doing here, but she was not about to let anyone die on her island!

Ducking under the churning water, Jade grabbed the man’s coat. He was incredibly heavy, but she managed to drag him to the surface, gasping for air as her head broke through back into the air. A wave splashed her right in the face and she was momentarily blinded and disoriented, unsure of whether she was underwater or above it, because both options were equally dark and equally wet. She swallowed some water and was almost dragged down by the flying man, but, with a huge gasp of air and a small fit of coughing, managed to keep both of their heads above water.

“Don’t give up on me,” she coughed, flipping him onto his back. He really didn’t want to float, so she put her arm around his waist and started trying to drag him back to shore, kicking as hard as she could. His wings made him incredibly unwieldy, and though they were close to shore she could barely see where she had left the flashlight. Several times he tried to sink again and she had to quickly thrash around to keep them both afloat.

When she reached the shore, she dragged him up to the beach and fell to her knees, coughing up some more swallowed lake water. Putting her arm around him she screamed over the howling wind, “Bec, boy, take us home!”


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the avian visitor takes a nap on Jade's couch.

They materialized in the grand foyer, where the blazing light made Jade screw up her eyes. Though she was dripping wet she immediately turned her attention to the man she had just rescued, ignoring the fireplace springing to life and her grandfather appearing in front of it as he always did.

The airman was breathing, but only just. As far as Jade could tell, he wasn’t bleeding anywhere or otherwise injured, but his clothing was absolutely plastered to his body, so it was a little hard to tell. Bec sniffed at him and started circling around in a nervous sort of way, so Jade shushed him and tried to assure him that this unconscious person was not a threat to them. Doing so, she took the glasses off the face of the mysterious aviator.

It was a boy, around her age (15) she would guess, whose skin was very pale with an unhealthy orange tint to it, and a few deep orange freckles that stood out against his wan, tired face. He had a tangled mess of orange hair, which was stuck to his forehead quite unbecomingly.

“Hey,” Jade said. “Hey there, Mister Airman. I’m Jade Harley. You’re safe now! You’re not outside anymore!”

His eyelids fluttered. Then he started coughing, so Jade quickly turned him onto his side in case he started choking or something. He didn’t wake up even after he’d coughed up a glass or so of rain and lagoon water.

Jade sat back on her heels, wondering what to do with him. Well, this would be slightly awkward no matter what, but she had to take care of him properly, so she said, “I’m going to take all this nasty wet clothing off now so you don’t freeze to death! Don’t worry, I won’t do anything weird. Also, you can stay here with me for a while if you want. My house is a little goofy, especially all the hunting trophies and stuff, but I bet you’ll like it!”

She unzipped his big leather jacket, still talking to him soothingly in case he woke up suddenly. Actually, she was a little worried that he hadn’t yet, but the coughing was a good sign, and he was still breathing, so she wasn’t going to get upset about it.

After the jacket was a hoodie, a long-sleeved shirt, an undershirt, red converse, socks, and black jeans. He was also wearing boxers, but Jade left those on. By the time she was shivering violently, especially because it had taken her a while to figure out how to get all the shirts off over his huge orange wings. But she couldn’t start taking care of herself immediately, because she couldn’t just leave him lying in the middle of the floor!

What could she do with him? They didn’t really have any guest rooms, and her grandfather’s bed didn’t have any sheets on it. Plus that room was full of junk. The only thing she could think of was to put him on one of the sofas in the grand foyer itself.

The tea party would have to move. Picking up the blue-haired doll on the left-hand sofa, she told it, “I’m sorry, but any civilized woman wouldn’t be imposing on her host at this time of the night,” and then dumped it unceremoniously on the laps of its fellow tea-drinkers on the opposite sofa. She treated the other doll, a mummy in a Napoleon hat, the same way.

Getting the boy onto the sofa without hurting his wings was a challenge, and she was sure his bed was going to be very damp later because she couldn’t think of anything to do with his wings except to attack them with a hair-dryer. Fortunately, once he was on it he didn’t seem inclined to roll off, and it was just long enough to fit him. She ran upstairs and got a pillow and about six blankets for him.

After she’d arranged her guest properly, she went wearily back to her room and got out of all her own wet clothing, then wrapped herself in blankets. Once she was reasonably warm, she walked slowly through the house, turning off all the lights. There was still a puddle in her room, but she wasn’t gonna deal with that until tomorrow.

When she reached the grand foyer again, she stepped in to check on the bird-boy.

Bec, who had already dried out, came to stand beside her protectively as she perched on the end of the sofa. She noticed that he had not left the room in the time when she was drying off. But he wasn’t growling or barking any more, and for that she was glad.

She had noticed several things about her feathery guest. First, he had a huge scar running up the inside of both legs, reaching from his ankles to about mid-calf. Actually, he had several scars and a lot of bruises all over his body. He must lead a pretty rough existence. Other than that, his skin was definitely orange-tinted, very freckled, and very pale too, whether from exhaustion or something else she didn’t know. His wings seemed to be naturally attached to his shoulder blades, and most of his back had soft down growing on it, though he didn’t have feathers anywhere else.

She couldn’t wait for him to wake up and talk!

Right now his expression was peaceful but empty, and Jade found herself drifting off too. It was 1 in the morning or something. She needed to get to bed, right now.

“If he wakes up, tell me right away. Guard, okay? Guard! Good boy,” she said to Bec and went up to bed.

As she closed her eyes, the storm raged on.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Dave Strider finds himself in a strange house with a strange girl and a strange dog.

When Dave opened his eyes, the first thing he saw was a huge furry snout with a big, wet, black nose. An impossibly long pink tongue emerged from the gaping maw beneath the nose and swiped down his cheek. The cloud of foul dogbreath that accompanied this woke him up right away.

He was vaguely aware that someone was singing in a high-pitched voice behind him, and that he was covered in blankets but wasn’t wearing anything except his boxers. Behind the dog was another couch containing four really bizarre life-size dolls.

Said dog licked him again, and he decided that no matter what the situation was otherwise he wasn’t going to sit around and have saliva smeared all over his face if he could help it. He was too cool for this, dammit!

“Hey, mutt, keep your mouth diseases to yourself,” he muttered, pushing its nose away from him. “That shit is just nasty.”

Fortunately the dog took the hint and wandered off, leaving Dave with a wonderful view of those weird dolls again. They reminded him too much of L’il Cal, though none of them had the same terrible glazed eyes. Shutting his own eyes again, he heard whining from the dog, and the singing was abruptly cut off. Then there were footsteps. Then –

“Hey, I’m Jade Harley! Bec told me you’re awake now, Mister Flying Guy!”

Voice: female, young, cheerful, weird accent that made it sound childish. Not unpleasant though.

Sighing, Dave opened his eyes.

The girl, Jade, had a round face and round glasses, with long, glossy black hair, and an open friendly expression. She looked older than he had expected from her voice, and she was kinda cute, in an obnoxiously perky sort of way.

She was down on one knee, patting her dog with one hand. She had a rifle in the other. Maybe not so friendly.

Dave tried to sit up quickly, but as soon as he moved, his back exploded into fire.

“Ow, fuck!” he said.

“Are you okay?” Jade said, cocking her head at him curiously.

Funny thing to ask someone you were planning to shoot, Dave thought, or would have thought if he weren’t busy clenching his jaw to keep from grimacing in pain.

“Feels like my wings are fucking exploding,” he said.

“Oh, no! Is there something I can do?” said Jade. Her face was very animated; he could see genuine concern on her features. “You were flying really hard in that storm, and I bet you pulled a muscle or something!”

A muscle? Several muscles, from the feel of it. Dave remembered that storm all too clearly.

“Yeah, okay, well if you’re planning to shoot me you should do it first, and save yourself some trouble,” he said, half-joking. She was speaking loudly, but the rifle was speaking louder. And there was no way he was pulling off another grand escape with his wings like this.

“What?”

He rolled his eyes. “Shoot? You know, click-click, boom-boom, you’re dead?”

She still looked confused, so he pointed at the gun she was holding, trying to move only his elbow and not his shoulder.

“Oh, that,” she said, laying it across her raised knee. “I was gonna play fetch with Bec. I didn’t rescue you to shoot you, silly!” she laughed.

That, the rescue, Dave had only vague memories of. He remembered a dark figure flashing a light across the churning, stinging water...

“Thanks for that,” Dave said noncommittally, wishing he had his shades. He was keeping his eyes cast down in the hopes that she couldn’t see their colour, but the obnoxiously smart part of his mind, the one that reminded him of Bro, told him that it was probably too late for that.

“In that case, you wanna tell me what you did with my clothing, and why I’m not wearing it?”

“It was soaking wet, and I didn’t want you to die of pneumonia!” Jade explained. “That would be terrible!”

“Right, well, I want it back,” Dave said flatly. “Also, if you’ve got any extra-strength aspirin, better make that double, that would be really cool. And you have no idea how much I want my fucking shades back. Oh, and while you’re at it, make me a sandwich.”

“Okay!” she said, before he could add, “Nah, I’m just fuckin’ with ya about the sandwich.”

She trotted off, leaving her dog to stand guard.

“I’m watching you, fuzz-face,” Dave muttered. Now that the weird girl was gone, he tried to slowly pull himself into a sitting position. Every twitch of his back or shoulders was more agony. Ha ha, never mind!

He ended up doing the second best thing, propping himself up on his elbows.

Now that he could see over the end of the couch, he started inspecting his surroundings past those ugly-ass dolls.

There was a man in the room, an old, moustachioed man, standing and watching him, holding a gun in one hand.

What was it with these people and guns?!

“Uh, hey,” Dave said. The man did not respond. Maybe it was that girl Jade’s dad or uncle or grandpa or something, and he disapproved of Dave’s cursing. Who was he fooling? If the old guy didn’t like something about Dave, it would be his freaky wings, not his cursing, though that probably wasn’t helping his case. Jade hadn’t seemed to mind either of them, but who the hell could tell with someone that eerily cheerful?

“Hey, you. Old dude,” Dave said, raising his voice a little. Still nothing. Squinting at him for a moment, hoping he looked tough rather than stupid, Dave noticed the stitches on the side of the man’s face.

...Was he stuffed?

Now that was just nasty.

Wishing he could get away from the eyes of the corpse, and trying not to think about who had stuffed him in the first place, Dave turned his head and found the dog right next to him. Argh!

“Shoo,” he told it. It ignored him.

To his relief, nerdy rifle girl came back quickly, and with her arms full. Shooing her dog away from him, she dropped all his clothes on the floor between the two sofas. Then she handed him his shades, which he put on immediately.

“Can you see anything?” she giggled, handing him two pills and a glass of water, also putting a cheese sandwich on the end table by his head.

“Can you?” he said, completely deadpan, pausing to take the aspirin. “Can you see through this hells of mad irony I got going on here? Can you see this aura of cool I am releasing into the atmosphere? Do you think you’re as cool as me? You think you’re chill as a birdman flying free?”

Jade laughed and clapped her hands together. “That was so cool!” she said. “I don’t think I could ever be as chill as that! By the way, mystery birdman, what’s your name?”

Dave hesitated for a moment. Well, it was unlikely that she knew his family or anything, so he said, “I’m Dave Strider.”

“Nice to meet you, Dave! I’m Jade Harley,” she repeated, perhaps thinking that he didn’t know it since he hadn’t used it yet. God, why was she so enthusiastic about her own damn name?

Before Dave could snark at her, she said, “Do you need anything else?”

“Yeah, I wanna know who else is here, where we are, who’s likely to come after me with a gun, and why the hell is there a fucking dead guy in your fireplace?”

Jade chose to answer his questions in reverse order, for some obscure reason. “That’s my grandpa! He died in an accident when I was young, and I put him in here because this was his favourite room. He loved all the globes, and I’m sure he would have wanted to be part of the tea party,” she said. Now that she mentioned it, Dave did see that there were an insane number of globes in this room. He guessed that the “tea party” was those four bizarre dolls.

“Also, nobody is going to come after you with a gun, silly!” Jade continued. “You’re on an island in the ocean. I’m the only one who lives here. Well, and Becquerel. That’s my dog. Be nice to him, because he has special powers, and he’s very protective of me!”

Dave would have scoffed at the special-powers deal, but he wasn’t exactly in a position to talk about what was and was not possible in nature in the way of special powers. If you counted being orange and feathery as having powers. Then again, the dog looked really, really ordinary, and its breath smelled really, really ordinary too. Maybe this Jade was a few lines short of a rap because she was living alone on an island.

“Don’t you have parents? “Dave asked, casually picking up the sandwich Jade had brought earlier.

“Nope,” she said, sounding not in the least bit upset about this. “What about you? Do you need to get home? Because I can have the supply plane come early...”

Dave almost spat out a mouthful of bread. There was no way he was letting anyone in a supply plane see him.

“I have wings,” he said flatly. And he wasn’t going into his family if he could help it, at least not his parents. Bastards.

“But you’re hurt,” Jade said, misunderstanding him. She seemed genuinely concerned, though, and Dave was surprised by that. Nobody was ever genuinely concerned for him, except his Bro, who usually didn’t show it.

“I got dis,” Dave said, even though he had no idea when he would be able to move again. Having finished half the sandwich, he picked up the rest of it and started on that.

“You sure?” Jade said, looking unconvinced.

“I could use a computer, though. To tell my Bro I’m alive. My god, please tell me you have a computer and a TV on this shitty little island,” Dave said, trying not to think about how awful this hopefully short stay would be without them.

“My island isn’t shitty. It’s nice!” Jade protested, crossing her arms indignantly. “And of course I have those things!”

“Sweet,” said Dave, inwardly heaving a sigh of relief. “Now, if you could get a hibachi stake-house on this rock it would be perfect.”

“What’s that?” Jade said curiously.

Dave rolled his eyes, not that Jade could see them behind his shades.

“Okay, I see we’re going to have to educate you on some things, like delicious food from weird-ass islands made of crazy Asians.” He paused for a moment. “You’re not Asian, are you?”

Jade had to think about that one. “Um... I don’t think so!”

“Right, well, whatever you are, I have some bad news,” said Dave.

“Oh, what’s the matter?” The dismay on Jade’s face was comical.

“I have to pee really bad, but I can’t stand up, and I’m not wearing pants.”

Jade looked completely surprised, rocking back on her heels and almost overbalancing. Then she laughed. “Don’t worry, I’ll help you! Get off the sofa, I mean. Your pants are right here on the floor. And maybe the aspirin is working now?”

How the hell did she do it? How was she so damn happy? Fuck!

Dave looked at her with suspicion.

“Turn around,” he said, flicking his fingers at her.

“Huh?”

“Unless you want to see my skinny orange bird-kid ass, which I really hope you don’t, you’d better turn around.”

Jade understood this time. “Oh, sorry!” she said, standing up and walking towards the entrance to the room, away from him. Dave wished she would leave altogether, but then again, if he fell out of the sofa he didn’t want to have to holler like a downed baby bird. Fuck that shit.

As he disentangled himself from the blankets, which were sprinkled liberally with sandwich crumbs, Dave noticed that the old guy was staring at him again. Fuck, that guy really was as creepy as L’il Cal.

Luckily for him, the pain killers had kicked in, and though his back pricked with pain as he sat up, it wasn’t any worse than being knocked down the stairs was Bro. That wasn’t a regular occurrence or anything, but it was something he could live with.

His boxers were still slightly damp from his adventures in the lake, but hell if he was taking them off for any reason. Especially since there probably weren’t any clean ones in the house. Fuck.

His wings were also still wet, which explained why they felt like they were rusted to his back. As well as being injured they had also never dried off. Fucking ow.

At least his clothing was dry and clean, although he leather jacket seemed the worse for wear for whatever Jade had done to it... or maybe it was the fault of the storm. Good thing it was Bro’s jacket.

Moving like a really ancient grandpa, Dave managed to get his pants back on. He pulled his undershirt over his head but couldn’t move his arms high enough under his wings to do up the rear zips without hurting himself, not to mention the fact that his wings didn’t even want to unfold enough for him to be able to do so.

He cursed his crippled state and decided to leave the back of his shirt loose and flapping. Screw it.

“Hey Jade, I’m done,” he said, picking up the rest of his stuff and putting it on the sofa.

“Okay!” she said, turning around. “The bathroom is at the end of this hall on the right.” She gestured out the doorway. “But Bec could just teleport you there, if you want.”

Dave looked at Bec. He blinked right back lazily and yawned. It was not very confidence inspiring.

“My legs are working just fine, thanks.”

As he shambled past her, she said, “Um, your shirt isn’t zipped up.”

“I know,” Dave said, practically dripping annoyance.

“Oh, sorry... well, I think that it’s really cool how it does up under your wings. Who designed it?” she said enthusiastically.

Dave paused, wondering if she’d be offended if he asked if he could find the bathroom first and explain later.

“I did, sort of. Bro used to put two buttons at the top, but they were fuckin’ annoying, so I had him get me a shit ton of shirts like this instead. Some of them have Velcro or snaps, because custom zippers are ridiculously expensive little pieces of metal.”

Jade seemed to be suitably impressed. “That’s cool!” she said again.

“Yeah, yeah,” said Dave, continuing down the hallway.

There were pictures of blue women lining the walls all the way down, and Dave almost groaned. If they belonged to Jade he was going to have to decide that something was extremely wrong with her (apart from her obnoxious optimism) and he was starting to sort of like her. If they belonged to the dead guy, well, good thing he was dead.

There wasn’t anything else weird in the hallway, or in the bathroom, thank God. Dave had had way too much weirdness for one day already. The only way it could be weirder was if he had died and woken up in an afterlife populated only by goats.

When Dave got back to the grand foyer, Jade had brought him another sandwich, and a computer that apparently projected everything into the air and had a magical floating keyboard.

Okay, scratch that.

Not even the goats would be as weird as this.


	5. Pesterlog 1

**\--gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT]--**  
GG: hey bro its me dave  
TT: Hey, man. What’s up?  
GG: well apart from not being dead im stuck on an island with a crazy ass chick and her dead grandpa and her dog  
GG: this is her pesterchum account so keep it pg bro  
TT: When am I ever not as innocent as a 90-year old virgin?  
GG: yeah whatever  
GG: you wanna know what happened  
TT: Yeah, sure.  
TT: Lay it on me.  
GG: for starters i lost my katana and believe me i am super pissed about that  
GG: also your jacket is fucked up but it probably saved my worthless life from pneumonia and also getting stabbed so dont worry it died a noble death  
GG: ill bury it for you if you want but i dunno  
GG: jades mangy mutt might dig it up again it is made of leather after all  
TT: I would appreciate the thought if I weren’t 99% sure you were being completely ironic.  
GG: ninety nine  
TT: Adjusted for possible margin of error.  
GG: if i didnt know better id swear you were a robot sometimes  
TT: No way, man. I can dance way better than any robot you care to name.  
GG: okay im not even gonna bother arguing with that  
GG: anyway the deal is that i didnt make it past the cape because this big motherfucker of a storm came and was taking a big huge dump on me  
GG: i swear it was like a fucking hurricane out there  
GG: like old man noah was dumping his boots out  
GG: if his boots were full of rocks that is  
TT: Get to the point, Dave.  
GG: shut up do you want me to tell the story or not  
GG: this girl jade has this weird tower house that she like set on fire or something so i could see there was an island  
GG: she helped me land and all and thats pretty much the whole story  
GG: except now my wings feel like shit  
GG: i mean my whole back and shoulders and everything are like BOOM WERE ON FIRE  
TT: Well, you know what to do. Put some of the apple juice stuff on them and then get the girl to give you a massage or something.  
GG: well yeah but i cant let some random girl in on ancient strider secrets  
TT: I got the apple juice recipe from 4chan when you were seven.  
GG: ok what i really meant was that she carries around a rifle and thinks her dog can teleport theres no way im trusting her with my wings  
TT: You had best be getting off this island soon, man.  
GG: youre telling me  
GG: i dunno how long its gonna be though  
TT: I would estimate about a week, tops. Take it slow, because you don’t want to injure yourself more.  
TT: At least nobody else will find you there.  
GG: true that  
GG: but i might go shithive maggots crazy  
TT: You were getting cabin fever like hell when you were here, remember?  
TT: I think a change of scenery is probably going to do you some good, as long as you don’t convince Jade that you need to be locked up.  
GG: dont tell me about it  
TT: I wasn’t planning on it.  
TT: Have you checked all your feathers yet?  
GG: hell no i just woke up  
GG: had a sandwich and took a trip to the john and that was about it  
TT: Don’t tell me about it.  
GG: wasnt planning on it  
TT: Touché.  
GG: you know i cant check my own secondary coverts anyway without like six fucking mirrors  
TT: You have a perfectly good girl lying around. Just get her to do it for you.  
TT: You’re also going to want to preen them to make sure there are no rocks and crap stuck in there.  
GG: my god bro theyre my wings i know how to take care of them by now  
TT: And how many times have you actually used them before? Oh, about three.  
TT: And how many of those times was in a storm?  
TT: Exactly zero point oh oh.  
TT: So don’t come whining to me when you get an ingrown feather.  
GG: fuck you thats baby shit  
GG: i hope you get bird flu  
TT: Wow, calm the fuck down. I’m just trying to help you out.  
GG: sorry  
GG: its like leftover cabin fever  
GG: i guess a brush with death makes a man loose his cool and all  
TT: I can’t lose my cool. I was born with it.  
GG: lose his irony then  
TT: I was born with that, too.  
GG: sure you were  
TT: It’s canon.  
TT: For the record, I’m really glad you’re okay, big man.  
TT: Stay safe on that crazy island of yours, and keep me posted. I want to know when my best bro is coming home.  
GG: you got it  
GG: also you might wanna clean all the feathers out of my room in case they come looking for you too  
TT: Can I throw out your shitty photographs?  
GG: oh hell no  
GG: if you touch my turntables my laptop or really any of my stuff i will slice up all your damn puppets and i mean it this time  
TT: Speaking of which, L’il Cal says he misses you too.  
GG: i bet he does  
TT: He’s waving hi. Does this computer have a webcam?  
GG: no it does not and it will not have one ever or until you stop being weird as all hell  
TT: No, man, I’m just being ironic.  
TT: As usual.  
GG: oh shit i gotta go now  
GG: jades dog is about to try and make friends again by which i mean hes gonna slobber all over me  
TT: Have fun with that.  
GG: dont think i will but thanks  
TT: I’ll talk to you later.  
GG: bye  
 **\--[GG] ceased pestering [TT]--**


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which a Harley becomes a Strider. (An honorary Strider.)

When Dave had finished his conversation, Jade went back into the living room at Bec’s call and asked Dave how it had gone. She didn’t bother to squat or kneel this time, because he was sitting up just fine now.

“It was just a convo with my Bro,” he said, starting to shrug before remembering that that was probably a bad idea.

“You have a brother?” Jade said eagerly. Sometimes she imagined Bec as a human brother or best friend. He’d be perfect! But then again, she loved him just the way he was, too. He’d be wonderful no matter what!

“Yeah,” said Dave.

“Do you have any parents?” Jade said curiously.

“No.”

“Aww, I’m sorry.”

“What does that matter to you?” Dave said, a snappish note entering his voice, the first emotion she’d heard from him apart from annoyance, or perhaps sarcasm. She was taken aback for a moment.

“Well, I never had any either. So I guess you could say I know how it is,” she said gently.

“Oh. Huh.” Jade thought that perhaps Dave sounded a little bit apologetic, though it was hard to tell. He quickly changed the subject. Jade felt bad that she had upset him and resolved not to ask him any more invasive questions until he seemed to feel like talking.

“Do you have any apple juice in your house?” he said.

“Yeah,” Jade said, happy there was something she could get for him, even if it was small. She thought his seeming emotionlessness was because he was sad. “And if we run out, I have an apple tree!”

“A whole tree?” Dave said in a “big-whoop” kind of way.

“Yeah! And some lemons, limes, and oranges. I grow things!”

“You wouldn’t happen to be growing some hops, would you?” Dave said innocently. Too innocently.

“You mean the things that make beer?” Jade said, wrinkling her nose.

“Well, yeah.”

Jade lifted her eyebrow. She didn’t care if he wanted to drink, but he did seem a little young, and she wasn’t going to keep cleaning up after him if he got drunk and smashed up her stuff.

“That’s not what I want them for. Godamnit Harley, I’m trying to make a thing to make my back and wings less screamingly painful, okay?”

“Oh,” she laughed, thinking that it was cute that he was calling her by her last name. She was also slightly relieved that Dave’s orange complexion wasn’t a result of overdosing on alcohol on a regular basis. “What else do you need?”

Dave rattled off a couple more ingredients, all of which Jade had. She tended to keep her kitchen well stocked in case of emergency; the whole house was well stocked, and this most certainly counted as an emergency, though it was turning out to be a rather good one.

“What do I do with all these things?” Jade said.

“Leave it to me,” Dave said coolly, standing up. He had to put his hand on the back of the sofa to do it but she pretended not to notice.

“I’ll help you,” she offered. Dave looked doubtful.

“This is a secret ancient recipe known only to Striders. I don’t know if I can share it with you. Besides, I’m used to taking care of myself, and all,” he said, not unkindly.

“Oh, well, I would never want to intrude on ancient family secrets!” Jade said earnestly. “But if there’s anything I can do to help, let me know!”

Dave stared at her – or at least, she assumed he was staring at her, since she couldn’t see his eyes. Then he relaxed, and the corner of his mouth twitched up almost imperceptibly. “Well, I could make you an honorary Strider, since you saved my life and stuff. That should fix it.”

“Really? That would be so awesome!” Jade said, clasping her hands together in excitement. “Are you sure your Bro wouldn’t mind?”

“Nah, he’s cool with most of the crazy shit I do. Now, if you wanna be a Strider, you’re gonna have to take the oath,” Dave said.

“The oath?” Jade interrupted. She’d never met anyone with a family oath before. Well, she hadn’t met anyone before, but if she had ever imagined meeting someone on her island, she wouldn’t have imagined someone with a family oath. This was so cool!

“Yeah,” Dave said. “Now raise your right hand, like this.”

He held his right hand in the air and put his left one on his heart. Jade obediently copied him.

“Repeat after me... I solemnly swear...”

“I solemnly swear...  
That I am up to no good...  
That I will uphold the noble code...  
Of the honourable family of ironic roof rapping ninjas...  
Known as STRIDER.  
That I will uphold the bro code...  
And the first law of bros before hos...  
I will protect and honour L’il Cal...  
Keep my katana sharp...  
And my jams fresh.  
This I swear...  
On the name of the holy Broritos.”  
Then he gave her a fistbump.

Jade was bursting with questions, but she saved them all for the end. Then she said, “Who’s L’il Cal? Do you really rap? Why are you roof ninjas and not just normal ninjas? What are Broritos?”

Dave’s face twitched. “Can we save it for later?”

“Of course!” Jade said. “Sorry!”

“’Scool.”

She took him to the kitchen, where he put a pot on the stove while she gathered all of the things he had asked for. The kitchen was one of the few rooms of the house not completely full of clutter, or at least not covered with clutter on every surface. The cabinets were full of things, but all of them were useful things, probably. But at least the floor and the tabletop were clear.

“Did your dog pee in this apple juice?” Dave said, sniffing it suspiciously.

“No, of course not!” Jade said, aghast at the thought. “Bec is a good boy! He would never do that.”

“In that case, I really want to drink some of this,” Dave said, pouring it into the pot anyway.

“Go ahead, there’s more!” Jade assured him.

“Nah. This right here is the key ingredient. Can’t waste a drop of the liquid gold.”

After emptying the bottle, Dave set it down on the counter. It was soon followed by all the rest of the ingredients, after which Jade sort of lost track of what Dave was doing. He stirred the mixture and muttered things at it under his breath, and at one point she could have sworn it was on fire. When he was done, the pot was three quarters full of bubbling, amber-coloured mixture that resembled nothing so much as chunky applesauce.

“Wow!” Jade said, peering down at it. “Now what?”

“Now is the really shitty part. You have to help me get this stuff all over my shoulder sand around my wings,” Dave said, sounding completely unenthused.

Going to the cabinet on the other side of the room, Jade started rummaging around for a potholder. “Won’t that make your feathers sticky?” Jade said, thinking of the time when she’d spilled a carton of apple juice all over the carpet in her room by accident after being sent there by Bec.

“Yeah, be worth it. This stuff works miracles, Harley.”

“Okay,” Jade said, trusting that he knew what he was doing. She found a potholder that was reasonably clean and set it down on the table, using a second one to pick up the pot. “But why is this the shitty part?”

“Because it means that I’m going to have to open my wings, and they hurt like hell,” Dave said, his jaw set.

“Will it help if I work quickly?” she said sympathetically, setting down the precious mixture on the table.

“It doesn’t matter.”

“Okay, well why don’t you sit down then?” Jade said, pulling a chair out for him.

Spinning the chair around so that he was facing away from the windows and the sink, Dave sat down facing the back of it so that his wings would be free. Jade waited patiently as he slowly and laboriously took his shirt off again. As he did so, she tested the mixture to make sure it was cool enough to touch, which it was.

“How do you want me to do this?” Jade said, hoping she could make this as painless as possible for him.

“Just start with my shoulders and then Imma try and open up a wing,” he replied, resting his elbows on the back of the chair. “Oh, and don’t be stingy.”

“Got it.”

Jade took a handful of the hot apple juice stuff from the pot and spread a thick layer of it over Dave’s right shoulder. As well has having a lot of orange freckles, it also seemed to have tiny, tiny fluffy feathers on it, their centre spines so thin as to seem like hairs.

“Dave?” Jade said, getting another handful for the other shoulder. Dave grunted to show that he was listening. “How come you have wings?”

His shoulders tensing up at the question, Dave said, “Just got lucky, I guess.”

“Huh?”

“Born this way. Or at least, that’s what Bro told me. I don’t even remember not having them, so if I got bitten by a radioactive spider or some shit, then I don’t remember it. I was born orange, too, so don’t ask me about it.”

“I think your wings are really wonderful!” Jade said, spreading the apple mixture down the top of Dave’s back. The little feathers got bigger the farther down she went, though they didn’t really start resembling feathers till she got to the edges of his wings.

“Really?” Dave said. “I mean, I think they are too. But, you know, haters gonna hate and all that.” He was idly tapping his fingers against the back of the chair now, and Jade wondered if it was because his back hurt or because he had a song stuck in his head. She didn’t actually know what he meant, but she laughed anyway.

“I’m not a hater, don’t worry! I really do think they’re awesome!”

“You’d be the first other than Bro,” Dave muttered, but Jade didn’t quite catch that.

“What?” she said. A few drops of boiled apple juice dripped down Dave’s back and she quickly caught them, wishing she had thought to put a cloth down on his chair before they started. Then again, if this stuff was good for humans it couldn’t be that bad for the furniture. Her fingers were a little sticky now, but she could still feel the smoothness of Dave’s skin and the softness of his feathers.

“Nothing,” Dave said. “You wanna know a kind of weird thing?”

“Sure,” Jade said.

“When I was born, my legs were fused together like some kind of messed up fucking tail. Bro paid a bunch of money for some woman to separate them.”

“So that’s why you have that scar on your legs! I saw it yesterday,” Jade said, stepping back.

“Stop reminding me that you fucking undressed me, okay? That’s just so wrong,” Dave said, though he didn’t sound particularly disturbed. “I know why you did it, but I don’t want to hear about it.”

“Okay,” Jade said easily. “Is it time for a wing now?”

“Sure,” Dave said, leaning forward and putting his head on his hands. “If I make a lot of inappropriate noises it’s because I’m in pain so don’t throw me out of your kitchen for being a pervert.”

Jade giggled. “Don’t worry, I won’t do that.”

Very slowly, Dave began to unfurl his wing. Jade could see by the way that his shoulders hunched that it was indeed painful for him. In spite of his funny prediction, he didn’t make any sound until his wing was fully extended, when he let out his breath in a hiss between clenched teeth. Jade hastened to scoop apple mush onto the big muscles that attached the wings to his shoulders and rang along the tops. After about three quarters of them were covered Dave slowly began to sit up straighter, though he was still holding his wing very stiffly. Jade stopped slopping the AJ around and started gently spreading it over his feathers instead.

She couldn’t help but notice how magnificent they were, even after being battered by the wind and rain. Individually they were very soft and smooth, obviously well cared for in ordinary times, and together the bright shade of orange made his wings seem to glow from the inside.

“What kind of bird are you?” Jade said, then realised that probably hadn’t come out right. “I mean, what kind of bird has wings like this?”

“As far as I can tell, none of ‘em. Bro says I’m like an albatross, but I think he doesn’t want me to get a complex from being an ordinary pigeon or some shit. The fucking problem is that I almost never get a chance to fly, so it’s hard to tell, and it’s not like the colour really gives us a clue or anything either since this orange cheetos shit isn’t found in nature,” Dave explained. He sounded slightly bitter.

“You flew really well yesterday,” Jade said gently.

“Are you fucking kidding? I nearly got my ass drowned,” Dave retorted.

“Yeah, but the storm was huge!” said Jade, carefully re-aligning a slightly crooked feather before covering it over. “I’ve never seen another bird fly through anything like that. And you must have come really far from the mainland to be here. You must have been amazing!”

“I came from Texas,” Dave said flatly. Jade had indeed noticed his slight southern accent, though she hadn’t recognized it as such. She rather liked it, actually.

“But that’s like a hundred miles away!” she exclaimed.

“It is? Shit,” Dave said. “How the hell am I supposed to get back?”

“You said you could just fly back,” Jade said, smoothing out the apple mixture on his feathers. The right wing was mostly covered now.

“I don’t know, man,” Dave said.

“I’m sure you can!” Jade said, and she meant it. “Is this wing good, or do you want more on it?”

“Good enough for now. If there’s any AJ left over after the other one, then maybe.”

“Alright,” Jade said.

Beginning to unfurl his other wing, Dave gasped in pain when he reached the half-way point. The wing started to snap back into place. Without thinking, Jade grabbed the central wing joint and felt his entire wing trembling under her hands. Gently, oh so gently, she started pulling it back open. Once it was open all the way, she slowly let go of it, and it stayed open, still trembling slightly. Dave’s hands were clenched over the back of the chair, and his knuckles were chalk white.

“Are you okay?” Jade said.

“Yeah,” Dave said in a strangled gulp. He took a deep breath.”Yeah, yeah, I am.”

Again, Jade hastened to get as much AJ onto his wing as possible, hoping he was right about how effective it was, even though it wasn’t nearly as warm anymore.

“You’re good at this,” Dave said quietly.

“I am?”

“Well, the only other person who’s ever touched my wings is Bro. But yeah, you’re good.”

“Thanks,” Jade said happily, glad to know she was helping a little bit. She thought it was strange that nobody had ever touched Dave’s wings before, because surely other people would be as curious as about them as she was. After watching him fly through that storm there was no doubt in her mind that they were as real as the pumpkins in her greenhouse, but she doubted other people would believe they were natural, unless they saw Dave fly, which he said he didn’t do that often. Curious!

“You don’t like people touching them?” she asked.

“Other people don’t like me,” Dave said matter-of-factly.

“Well... I like you,” Jade announced.

“Um, thanks.” Dave sounded mildly bemused. The conversation stopped for a moment as Jade checked the pot on the table and found that it was mostly empty.

“How are your wings feeling?” she said.

“Good. They’re better. Thanks.”

“Great!” Jade said. “What would you like me to do with the rest of this? There’s only a little bit left.”

“Can you stick it on my neck and on my back right under my wings?” Dave asked.

“Sure!” With cheerful agreement Jade set about doing as he asked. “What happens when this stuff gets cool? Does it dry?”

“It stays sorta sticky, but it doesn’t slide off or anything. I can’t touch stuff. At home I just watch video games all day and then wash it off before I go to sleep. Usually Bro makes me put more on the day after,” Dave said.

“Okay, sounds good,” Jade said, already mentally preparing to make another batch tomorrow. She hoped her shower was clean, and big enough for someone with wings. “And you’re all done now!”

“Oh man, thanks so much, Harley,” Dave said, sitting up from his slouched, tense posture. “You wouldn’t happen to have a DS I could borrow, would you?”

“A what?”

“Never mind. How about a keyboard? I could mix some sick beats,” Dave said hopefully.

“I have a two-person bass with a keyboard on it,” Jade offered, coming around the back of the chair to face him. He looked pretty sceptical.

“Can I see it?”

“Sure, hold on!” Jade said, and dashed up to her room. Grabbing her bass, she scampered back down to the kitchen again. Dave was taking the pot over to the sink, still holding his wings open.

“Oh, Dave, you don’t have to do that,” Jade said, not wanting him to hurt himself trying to manoeuvre around with his wings like that.

“’Scool,” he said. “Besides, your kitchen looks like shit.”

There were bottles all over the table, and drips of apple goo on the chair, the floor, and the table, but Jade had seen worse.

“It’s really fine,” she said, giving him a sunny smile. “Here’s your bass, now sit down.”

Dave nodded and took the bass. He tested the tune and looked pleased with what he heard. Jade took up his place at the sink and started wiping down the table.

As Jade cleaned up, Dave played with her bass, all of it – both necks and keyboard included. He seemed to like it. By the time she had finished, he was tapping a beat on the side of it and little tunes on the keyboard part. Now wanting to disturb him, Jade tiptoed out of the kitchen to play with Bec.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Dave attempts to rap.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lyrics from [Merci ft. Bro](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3pBjwcqf-Pw) by [MC Dave Strider](http://askmcdavestrider.tumblr.com/).

“Dip these documents in resin, check the date kids, it's a lesson.  
Deadlier then seven sins, though this talent is a blessing.  
Swagger so impressive, we're the answer to the question.  
Reckon rapping is your hobby, but to me it's a profession.  
Check it, from Texas we bring the escapades  
Rapping battle raids bursting through doors and barricades  
Stack enough tokens and tickets to buyout all these arcades  
Your bubbling blisters break under our heat never to escape  
... Does that make any sense?”

Dave sighed and slumped down, careful not to touch the back of the chair. His muscles felt a lot better now that he’d had Bro’s secret recipe on them for an hour or so. Unfortunately, he was getting frustrated with this rap, and he wished that the damn base were a normal base or that the keyboard were a normal keyboard – pick one.

The time alone should have made him feel more like himself – that was, less like he’d been sent through a storm and then fallen into Wonderland. But in fact he felt more topsy turvy than ever.

He missed Bro, for starters. They’d been separated before, but never by an ocean. Secondly, this island was so strange and unfamiliar and alien. There was a dead guy in the living room and the house wasn’t even house-shaped, for fuck’s sake.

Lastly, there was Jade herself. His instinct to trust her was far too strong, even considering she had saved his life. She seemed so innocent and sweet. Dave had never described anyone with those two words before, not even separately. The thing was, she also wasn’t stupid. Sooner or later she would ask him where he had been flying to to begin with, and then there would be trouble. At the same time, she also seemed to be a little bit crazy. He hoped there was a reasonable explanation for the dog-teleport thing because every time he started thinking Oh, I can get to like this girl, he remembered that little unfortunate detail.

He could still her fingers softly smoothing down his back, and that wasn’t making things any better either.

Speaking of things he should be doing, he needed to find two or three mirrors to make sure he wasn’t missing any important feathers. Otherwise the next time he tried to take off would be an unqualified disaster. Dave really hated having wings sometimes. Well, all the time, except for when they were being complimented by Jade, or saving his ass from shit they had gotten him into in the first place.

It would, of course, be easier to just get Jade to check them out for him as Bro had suggested, but he was sure she wouldn’t be thrilled about having to fuck around with his damn wings again. Besides, he didn’t want her to have to help him again, because he was already embarrassingly dependent on her help as it was. Bro had tried his best to teach Dave to be self-sufficient without isolating himself and to accept help when he needed it, but without being able to go into the real world and practice that it was only a theory to him.

Deciding that it was better to ask Jade for a mirror or two than to look for them himself (trying to navigate an unfamiliar house without being able to go through doorways the right way would be incredibly rage-inducing), Dave went to the doorway and called out her name a few times. When she didn’t reply, he wondered if she was even in the house at all and went right back to the kitchen window.

Outside, he could see the lagoon he had landed in last night. There was a big ugly statue of a frog in the middle of it, which looked really old. He wondered if her globe-collected grandpa had pilfered the hideous thing from some sacred temple, not that he really cared.

Just as he had thought, Jade was outside on the grass with her dog, who was standing watchfully beside her. She had her rifle and appeared to be preparing to fire it in the direction of the mountain, which he couldn’t really see but knew was there. That was pretty badass, he had to admit. He was surprised that the walls were soundproof enough that he hadn’t heard her fire it earlier, which he knew she had done because there were a few empty bullet casings by her feet. Yes, his eyesight was that good; he was part bird, for fuck’s sake.

As he watched, she fired the rifle, and it wasn’t as quiet as he had expected, but he must have been lost in his rap before. Bec started running forward, then, crackling with green energy, vanished. He reappeared a second later about thirty feet away from Jade, facing her, directly in the path of the bullet.

Dave didn’t immediately understand what had happened, especially because Bec didn’t seem to have been shot. The dog ran back to Jade and she held out her hand, which he dropped a bullet into.

It took Dave a full five seconds to understand what had happened, and even when he had, he didn’t believe it.

There was no fucking way in the world that dumb-looking dog could have caught a bullet in its mouth. And, just like Jade said, it had teleported. Holy shit!

Well, at least he didn’t have to worry that Jade was nuts anymore.

Deciding that he didn’t want to interrupt the playtime of the really freaky space dog in case it suddenly grew an extra head full of poisonous fangs, Dave backed away from the window. He could get a mirror later, feathers be damned.

“Yea, the dynamic duo with Grade-A shades  
Bringing forth the rap game to a new golden age  
Swift decisions, leave me ascended  
The story’s fiction but I never pretended.”


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Dave finds a measure of contentment.

For the rest of the day, Dave attempted to write songs/raps with Jade’s base. After she came inside again he got his mirrors and determined that his feathers were fine, if a bit dirty. Fortunately, Jade’s shower was big enough to accommodate someone with wings, and he did his best to preen them himself afterwards, with the help of a long-handled backscratcher. It probably wasn’t good enough, especially with his limited mobility, but he was still resisting asking Jade to help him take care of his own damn wings.

They ate dinner together (Jade made a mean grilled cheese sandwich, and Dave ate four of them, much to her surprise). In spite of Dave’s protests, Jade made him tell her about his interests, all of which she was enthusiastic about. When he admitted to knowing how to use a katana she nearly exploded with admiration and wanted him to give her a demonstration with a broom handle or something. In turn, he learned that she liked gardening (whatever), shooting things (sweet), furries (lucky him), and her base (sweet).

Later, she gave him the choice to sleep on the sofa in the room with the creepy dead guy, or to sleep in said dead guy’s old bedroom. He chose the bed. Fortunately, she had taken out all the dead guy’s stuff, so the room felt empty, even though the bed was bigger than the one Dave had at home. He would have enjoyed the extra space more if he hadn’t furled his wings up tightly again now that they were clean.

Dave’s last thought before he fell asleep was wondering over what tomorrow would bring, something he’d never really cared about before, seeing as all his days were the same. It felt good.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Jade comforts and Dave flies.

One week later. After four batches of secret Strider AJ sauce, Dave was ready to try and fly again. Jade was bursting with excitement to see it, so she had followed him outside and was sitting on the grass with Bec curled up beside her.

The man himself was standing a few yards behind and to the right of Jade. He licked his lips, looked calmly at the space before him, then rocked backwards and threw himself forwards, taking off running as fast as he could. As he sprinted forward he unfurled his wings and started flapping them.

Jade held her breath. It seemed as if there was no way a human, even one as skinny as Dave, could ever fly, but as she watched he began to lift off into the air. After the initial struggle to lift off the ground he flew gracefully, arms crossed over his chest, his wings beating smoothly. Jade leapt to her feet and cheered.

“Go, Dave! Yeah! This is so neat!”

Dave flew directly over her head, waving and giving her the thumbs up. She could have sworn he was grinning. She jumped up and down, clapping her hands in excitement. This was even better than Bec teleporting. She kept her eyes fixed on him, her hands clasped together, as he soared all over the sky, from the volcano to the temple and back.

The flight ended all too soon, but they had agreed that he should take it slow to begin with. As Dave ran slowly to a stop, Jade dashed over and threw her arms around him.

“That was sooooo cool! Oh my gosh, Dave, I’ve never seen anything so cool before!”

Dave gave a tiny chuckle of awkward laughter. “Nah, that was nothing. Besides, the takeoff was really shitty. Usually I like don’t even have to run.”

“Noooo,” Jade said, letting him go and bouncing excitedly. “I thought it was really sweet! And the takeoff doesn’t matter. It was still super cool!”

“Heh,” said Dave, shrugging. “I guess.”

“Isn’t this great?” Jade said. “You can go home to your Bro soon. Not that I want to get rid of you, of course!” she laughed.

“Yeah,” Dave said, but he didn’t sound very convinced.

“Don’t you want to go home?” Jade asked, confused. Dave had been talking all week about how ironic and cool Bro was, about how good his raps were and how awesome his ninja skills were.

Dave didn’t look particularly unhappy, but he was pressing his lips together tightly in a way that worried Jade. It was the look he got when he was thinking of something painful, whether it was his aching wings or something in his past he didn’t like. His freckles stood out too violently on his pale cheeks.

“No,” he said shortly.

Jade bit her lip. “But –” she began, still thinking of his brother, and wondering if he’d be worried if Dave stayed away too long.

“I know I can’t fucking stay here, okay? You don’t have to tell me,” Dave snapped, clenching his fists.

“Oh, no, you can stay here if you want!” Jade exclaimed, wondering what on earth was wrong.

“You would say that. You’re just too damn nice. I get it, already,” Dave said, still in that same angry tone.

“No, Dave, I really would love to have you here,” Jade said. “I just don’t understand!”

“Of course you don’t. You live on a perfect fucking island with your perfect fucking dog and your perfect fucking house and you don’t even know where Japan is, let alone how the real world works,” Dave said viciously. His arms were rigid at his sides and he had opened his wings slightly, making him seem bigger.

Jade stared at him, her mouth slightly open as if to say something, but she didn’t know what. This wasn’t like Dave, and it hurt. She wanted to yell at him, but when she finally spoke, all she managed to say was, in a tiny voice, “It gets lonely.”

Dave made a noise like a snort of disdain, and Jade was about to snap at him, when she realised he hadn’t followed up with another insult. There was only one thing she could think of, which was that he was trying not to cry.

“Dave...” she said, and he made a small, strangled noise and turned away from her. She immediately realised he was about to fly away, so she grabbed his arm and said, “Dave, wait! Tell me what’s wrong! Please, I’m your friend.”

Dave stopped, his wings half-open. He did not turn around, but he folded his wings. She heard him take a few deep breaths.

Then he began to speak, his voice husky.

“In the real world, Harley, nobody likes furries. In the real world, if anyone sees my wings, they want to put me in a zoo. I live with my brother because when I was born my parents took one look at me and said, ‘What’s wrong with this horrendous malformed freak?’ and tried to leave me in a dumpster. So Bro dropped out of college, got an apartment in the city, and started selling puppet porn for a living, and the only times I’m allowed outside are when it’s fucking night and also on fucking Halloween!” His voice broke, and he had to stop for a moment, shoulders heaving. “Jade, I don’t see in the dark, I’m not a fucking owl, and I’m not a fucking monster, either. Fuck everything!”

Dave didn’t have to say anything else. Jade understood now, and her heart ached for him. Throwing her arms around his shoulders, she whispered, “Oh, Dave, I really do think your wings are wonderful, I promise,” she said. She felt, but did not see, his hands move up to clutch hers.

“You can stay here as long as you want, and you can fly every single day,” she said. Dave didn’t reply, so Jade held him tightly, trying not to crush his wings, until his shoulders stopped shaking. A few tears dripped onto her fingers, and she wished he were holding Dave the right way around so she could wipe them away properly. But she knew his dignity would never allow it.

Finally, he took a few deep breaths and said, his voice still shaky, “There’s a little problem with that, Harley. I’ve only got one pair of boxers.”

Jade laughed, pressing her hands tighter to his chest.

“Bro can send your stuff to us, or we can buy things over the internet,” she said reassuringly.

“I didn’t know Wal-mart delivered out here in the middle of the fucking ocean,” said Dave, releasing her hands.

“They don’t! I have a P.O. box in Florida and a guy in a plane air-lifts everything to here,” Jade said, giving his shoulders a squeeze.

“Good, because I miss my katana,” Dave said. “And you can let go of me now, Harley.”

Obliging, Jade patted Dave’s shoulder before completely disentangling her arms from him.

“Do you want to go do that right now?” Jade said, starting to get excited again. “And we can start moving stuff into your room, and everything! I wonder if there’s somewhere we can set up a darkroom for you!”

“No man, you don’t want me turning your house into a man-cave, do you?” Dave said.

“Why not?” she said, laughing. “This is going to be so great!

When Dave turned around she saw that he was smiling.


	10. Pesterlog 2/End of part 1

**\--gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT]--**  
GG: hey bro its me again  
TT: Hey, Dave. What’s up?  
TT: How are those wings doing?  
GG: theyre good  
GG: went flying today and it was hella sweet  
TT: Does this mean you’ll be rejoining me soon?  
GG: well  
TT: Oh, don’t tell me. You’ve fallen in love with Jade and now you want to stay there.  
GG: im not in love with jade dont be ridiculous  
GG: i mean she is cute but thats not the point  
GG: anyway youre right i wanna stay but  
TT: You don’t have to explain. I understand.  
GG: jade says its cool if i stay here for a little while  
TT: By “a little while” do you mean a couple of weeks, or the rest of your miserable life?  
GG: for all the trouble shes going to make sure i have another pair of pants i think it would be rude as hell to leave after only a week  
TT: So, the rest of your own personal forever.  
TT: Don’t be coy, dude, I need to know this. I have to plan out the rest of my life too, you know.  
GG: im sorry bro i dont actually know  
GG: youre in charge of me not the other way around as you like to remind me  
TT: In that case, you had better be getting your own chumhandle and shit, because you’re going to be staying there for a very long time. Where do I send the turntables too, Atlantis?  
GG: what  
TT: Dave, I’ve known for a long time now that this little apartment wasn’t cutting the mustard for you.  
TT: It’s a really shitty feeling to know that the person you’ve built your life around isn’t happy with what you can give him anymore.  
TT: I want you to be happy, and besides, you’re probably a hell of a lot safer out there than you would be with me, even if you won’t be able to properly continue your ninja training.  
GG: im really sorry man  
GG: i feel so fucking ungrateful for all the shit you went through for me  
GG: are you sure you dont want me to come home you know that if you did id be there in a wingbeat  
TT: No. Have you even been listening? I want you to stay on that island.  
TT: It will be better for both of us.  
TT: I’ve been thinking of going back to school and getting a degree in robotics so that I can get a job with a salary better than two cents a fucking hour or whatever the hell minimum wage is these days.  
TT: Then, when you come back, we can move to a real house, so you don’t have to spend all your life in four rooms.  
TT: Gotta have that flat roof, though, so we can practice somewhere.  
TT: Maybe screw the house and I’ll just buy up three more floors of this shitty apartment building.  
GG: i dont even know what to fucking say  
GG: im just sitting here all tongue tied its like i was doing yoga in my own mouth and got stuck in the middle of a lotus flower or some shit  
GG: youre the best bro ever  
TT: I know.  
GG: im gonna miss you like hell man  
TT: That’s why I requested that you get your own chumhandle. You can keep talking to me, at least.  
TT: You’re not allowed to stop having rap battles with me just because you live in Tasmania now.  
GG: jade calls this place aster island  
TT: Whatever.  
TT: Do I need to send you money for food and stuff?  
GG: to my eternal disappointment there is still no hibachi grill on this fucking island  
GG: so i think were good but thanks  
TT: Air travel is really fucking expensive, you dumb shit. You don’t want Jade going broke trying to feed you, do you? Hell, I nearly did. Especially since you eat like a starving circus bear.  
GG: whats that supposed to mean  
TT: Oh, save it. Just ask her if she needs money or not.  
GG: ok brb  
GG: dude she has actual boxes of gold bars in her basement not to mention some highly illegal looking ancient relics  
GG: she says that her grandpa was an explorer or some shit  
TT: That answers that, I guess.  
TT: That’s good, because it’s not like I have a lot of extra cash to feed to your empty stomach.  
GG: i know  
TT: Okay, now tell me what the address of this place is, for fuck’s sake.  
TT: For the turntables.  
GG: Jade says send the stuff to a po box in florida  
TT: That’s good. I wouldn’t want to send it directly, since they’re still looking for you. But I don’t think they’re watching me, so that’s good.  
TT: I’ll keep you updated, of course.  
GG: fucking felt what do they even want with me  
TT: I don’t know.  
TT: I have to go now. What’s your chumhandle going to be?  
GG: turntech godhead  
TT: Haha, got it. Bye.  
**\--[TT] ceased pestering [GG]—**


	11. Prologue of Part 2

One month later.

In Dave’s wildest dreams he would never have imagined how awesome living with Jade was. Now that his stuff had been installed in his room (and yes, there was a darkroom; they had sacrificed an extra bathroom for it) and he had more than one pair of pants, there was next to nothing he could complain about.

True to Jade’s word, he did go outside every day. He had explored most of the island and some of the surrounding ocean on foot and on the wing. He also had his own computer now, which didn’t do the annoying project-y thing, which he figured was great if you were living alone, but was less great if you were living with an impressionable cute girl.

He was trying to keep up with his fighting skills by doing things that Bro suggested such as following tutorials on the internet and having Jade shoot at him to practice cutting up bullets and such. Bec stood by to make sure he didn’t actually get shot. As soon as Dave got home, he was finally gonna beat Bro’s ass in a fight. He’d never seen Bro slice bullets in half before, and damn if his baby brother wasn’t gonna be the one to do it first.

He was practicing his rap skills on Bro himself, of course, in the chat logs they had together about twice a week. This made Dave miss Bro less, too. His personality was overbearing even over the internet.

And, there was Jade.

Bro was probably right; he did have a crush on her. He really didn’t know how she felt about him except for general enthusiasm. Nobody had ever been so happy about and for him before. And damn, she was cute, and now that he was used to it, her happiness was contagious.

He wasn’t going to tell her, though, because he didn’t want to freak her out by the thought that an overgrown bird was in love with her. And he wasn’t going to do anything that might get him kicked off the island. It was, after all, practically paradise.


	12. Pesterlog 3

**\--timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]-- ******  
TT: Hey, man. I didn’t want to intrude on your tropical happiness or anything, but shit is going down over here.  
TT: Dave, are you there?  
TT: Why aren’t you up at two in the morning, like every other normal teenage boy?  
TT: You could be making sweet love to a lovely island lady right now, and if the thought of that doesn’t get your lazy ass out of bed, you are not a man.  
TT: Okay, fine. Listen up:  
TT: The Felt found out that you were living with me.  
TT: They don’t’ know where you are now, and I’ve been deleting our chat logs. I’m going to remove your chumhandle from my chumroll when this is done, so they won’t find you.  
TT: Not to alarm you or anything, but there are six green men in our apartment right now, and one of them has a really big gun.  
TT: I bet you didn’t know that your Bro can cut bullets in half, huh?  
TG: bro why the fuck are you pestering me at two in the fucking morning  
TG: some people are trying to sleep here  
TT: There you are, you lazy bastard.  
TT: Unfortunately, it’s getting hard to talk while simultaneously beating up this ugly green mobster, so I’ll catch you later, big man.  
**\--[TT] ceased pestering [TG]--**


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Dave and Jade leave for the battle.

Jade was surprised to find that Dave was up before her for once, especially since it was 7:00 in the morning and he didn’t usually get up before nine.

“Hey there, Harley,” he said, as she came into the kitchen. He was scrambling some eggs and there was toast on the table, but what she noticed first was that his katana was strapped to his belt and he sounded tired.

“Dave, what’s going on?” she asked.

He started nonchalantly flipping the eggs from the pan to two plates.

“I gotta go home,” he said evenly.

“What? But why? What’s the matter?”

Jade was horribly worried that she’d failed him in some way, or worse, that she’d done something to make him feel unwelcome. He was just so hard to read!

Letting his breath out in a huff, Dave moved both plates to the table, but didn’t sit down. “Something happened,” he said.

“Oh no! Your Bro... is he alright?” Jade said, moving to the table and leaning on the chairs.

“I don’t know, but I’m damn well gonna find out,” he replied grimly.

Jade watched, bewildered, as he pulled out his chair and sat down to eat.

“Can’t you just IM him?” she asked, finally sinking into her own seat.

“’E’s blocked me,” Dave said around a mouthful of egg, which he was really shovelling down. “Last night ‘e warn’ me the Felt ‘ave found ‘im an’ even ‘e can’ fight all six of ‘em ‘imself.”

“The Felt?” Jade said, nibbling at a piece of toast, though she didn’t feel hungry in the slightest.

“These... big mobster guys who wanna catch me... don’t really know why,” Dave said, pausing to throw back his head and down half a glass of juice in one swallow. “Didn’t I tell you the reason I was out in that storm in the first place?”

“N- no,” Jade stammered. “Dave, you can’t fight off six men by yourself either.”

“There are fifteen of ‘em, actually, an’ all of ‘em ‘ave power like Bec, an’ I’m not leavin’ Bro to fend for ‘imself, not after everything ‘e’s done for me.” Dave ate a piece of toast in three bites.

Jade stared at him for a minute, until her brain snapped into gear. There was no way she was letting her new best friend leave her island to be killed. She didn’t know what the Felt wanted with him, but no doubt it was something terrible.

“Take me with you,” she said.

Dave froze mid-chew. “You can’t fly,” he said, spitting crumbs.

“No, but my dog can teleport,” she said seriously.

“Across the island.”

“I’ve seen him teleport to outer space and back before,” said Jade.

Dave swallowed. “No way.”

“Yes, way, and listen, Dave, I can shoot really well, and you know it. Let me help you please,” Jade pleaded.

Dave looked torn. “I don’t want you to get hurt, Harley,” he said gently.

“I don’t want you to get hurt either!” Jade exclaimed.

“Well... okay,” Dave said, although he didn’t sound very happy. “But I don’t’ know what we’re gonna be flying into.”

“I don’t care,” Jade said. She started shovelling down her own food, and the kitchen was silent, except for the sound of chewing.

When they were done, they heaped all the dishes in the sink but didn’t bother to wash up, and Jade ran and got her favourite rifle, plus a pistol, which she rarely used, and loaded her pockets with bullets for both of them. She put a dog whistle around her neck and a couple of snacks in one of her pockets. She also swapped out her long skirt for a shorter one with leggings, so she could run if needed. Then, she dashed back down to the kitchen, where Dave and Bec were both waiting for her.

“Ready?” Dave said, still looking slightly wary of the idea that she was coming.

“Yes,” she said. “You?”

“Mm-hmm.”

“Alright. Where do you want to go, your apartment?”

“Well, yeah. Can’t be seen,” Dave reminded her.

“Do you have a picture of it?”

“Yeah, got one of my room on my phone,” Dave said, pulling it out of his pocket as he spoke.

“Show it to Bec, please,” Jade said, and he did.

Jade grabbed Dave’s free hand, which he seemed surprised about, but Jade wasn’t about to risk Bec taking only one of them there and not the other.

“Bec, we need to go here. Here, Dave’s apartment, and now,” she said firmly.

Bec cocked his head, wagging his tail, and barked once. Then he leaped towards them, and they were standing in Dave’s former bedroom.

The place was quite different than the picture on Dave’s phone, because some of the key elements – the turntables and the katanas, for example, were at Jade’s house now. The other big difference was that the place had been ransacked.

There were bullet holes in the walls, and the desk had been sliced clean in half, leaving little piles of sawdust to swirl over the floor like desert dust. Some of it was glued down in little heaps, because there were dried blood drips splattering the walls and floor. Whose blood it was wasn’t very clear.

“Oh my God, Bro,” Dave whispered, letting go of Jade’s hand and unsheathing his katana, though Jade was afraid that it was far too late now. All the same, she held her rifle to attention and hissed at Bec to stay quiet.

They tiptoed to the door, Jade following Dave’s lead. The hallway was just as messy as Dave’s room, though there was no furniture there to be sliced up. There were, however, bodies.

There were two dead men on the floor. They both wore bright green suits and bowler hats, although it seemed that under all the blood one of the hats had a dark green stripe and the other was just blue. The first had obviously fought hard. There was a large gun lying beside him. But the other, who was nearer to the entrance, had been decapitated almost right away, judging from the massive blood spatters on the door and walls.

“That’s Quarters and Doze,” Dave whispered. He looked slightly queasy and Jade certainly felt that way, though she was used to seeing this sort of thing from the gun training videos she had watched to keep up her training after her grandpa died.

Jade wondered how he knew their names, but speculated that perhaps those were nicknames Dave and Bro used to keep track of them, rather than real names.

They crept through the hallway and across into Bro’s room.

On the floor was another dead man in a green suit, this one with a red striped hat.

“Matchsticks,” Dave said.

On the remnants of the bed, battered, bloody, and still holding his katana, was –

“Bro!” Dave said, raising his voice. Sheathing his katana, he ran over and shook him by the shoulders. Jade kept her rifle raised, turning a little so she could see the entire room. Bec stayed close to her heel.

At Dave’s touch, Bro stirred, snapping to alertness, incredibly fluid despite the bruises on his arm and the blood on his cheek. Jade could see the family resemblance, though Bro was bloody and Dave wasn’t, and Dave was more pale and more orange than Bro. Dave was also the better looking of the two – Bro’s face was more stern and angular and less open and honest than his brother’s. Jade wondered if he’d always looked so distant, and if that’s how Dave saw him.

“Dave?” he said, and he didn’t sound happy. “What the hell are you doing here, you dumb fuck? It’s you they want! Get out of here.”

“I couldn’t just let you get killed, Bro!” Dave said. Both of them were still speaking in low voices for no discernible reason.

“I can take care of myself, you idiot. And oh my God, please tell me you didn’t bring along your little girlfriend and her dog. Do you know how much danger you’re putting her in?” Bro said harshly.

“Jade offered to come, and we wouldn’t have gotten here as fast without –”

A man in a neon green suit appeared in the middle of the room. He was tiny, with bulging eyes and a purple bowler hat. Unlike all the other dead mobsters, he was spotless. In one hand he held what looked like a quarter.

“Oh, shit,” said Bro.

“Who’s that?” Dave said, reaching for his katana. Jade already had her gun aimed at the man.

He smiled. He looked genuinely happy, but didn’t speak.

“That’s Clover. Don’t shoot him,” Bro said sharply, standing up.

Clover’s smile widened. Jade saw that his grin didn’t reach his bulging, watery eyes.

The door to Bro’s room was violently shoved open as two more green-clad mobsters rushed in. One of them had a purple-striped hat and was holding what looked like an egg timer, and the other had a yellow hat.

“Shoot Eggs!” Bro yelled, throwing himself towards Yellow Hat, followed by Dave.

Jade immediately took aim at the one with the egg timer, but before she could shoot, the timer went off, and a second man with a purple-striped hat, identical to the first, appeared out of thin air, as did an orange oven, from which emerged a mobster with an orange-striped hat.

Wait, which one was the real one? Was the new one a copy of the first or just some sort of projection? Where did the orange one come from?

Confused, Jade hesitate for a moment until one of the two egg timer mobsters moved towards her, looking murderous.

She shot him point blank, but apparently it hadn’t been the original, because the other one didn’t die, and now his egg timer was going off again. Bec growled and lunged, fastening his teeth around the wrist holding the timer, but it was too late; when Eggs dropped the timer, another copy of him was already there.

The two Orange Ovens immediately turned on Dave.

Meanwhile, Bro was duelling the yellow-hatted mobster, who was impossibly fast – too fast, and Bro didn’t seem to be prepared for him. Jade, who had by now shot three purple-striped hated men, cried out to Dave as the yellow-hatted mobster stabbed Bro in the shoulder. Bro stumbled backwards, but before Yellow Hat could stab him again, he opened the door to the smuppet trap, sending all the smuppets tumbling down onto Yellow. These didn’t slow him down for long, but then Dave shoved Bro out of the way and pushed Yellow down again. Bro traded places with Dave and started devastating the Orange Ovens.

Just at that moment, a man in a maroon hat holding a crowbar ran through the door, and an absolute behemoth with a maroon-striped hat punched through the door and part of the wall, yelling, “Oh, yeah!”

Bro immediately changed course and set to the giant one, but the one with the crowbar tripped him, and the giant one punched him in the head, knocking him unconscious.

After that the fight, or scuffle, rather, was over quickly. Jade simply didn’t have enough bullets, and though Bec tried his best, biting and clawing and tackling intruders, the two of them were quickly overwhelmed by the rapidly growing population of Egg Timers and Orange Ovens.

Just as they pulled her arms behind her and her head into a headlock, Jade saw the giant one punch Dave in the stomach. He fell to his knees, still clutching his katana, his wings beating feebly. His foe pulled him upright by the collar and his arms behind him, squishing his wings flat to his back.

Glancing up, Dave said frantically, “Jade, get out of here!”

“Shaddup,” Crowbar growled, but Jade wasn’t going to leave her friend. Where was Bec? She couldn’t see him over this mound of mobsters. She tried to find him, but then one of the Eggs said, “She ain’t goin’ nowheres, bird boy,” and everything went dark.


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the Felt puts in an appearance.

Bro woke up in the dark, to the feeling that his entire body had just been sat upon by Cans himself. His multiple injuries, fortunately mostly shallow ones, were throbbing, and he could feel the pressure of a migraine hovering around his temples, not to mention the ropes biting his wrists and ankles. Something wet and cold was on his leg.

He risked a glance downwards and saw a large, shaggy black form, which was licking a hole in his jeans. It had to be that damn dog. It took a Herculean effort for Bro not to holler at it to fuck off, but he needed to assess the situation before he did anything drastic like curse aloud.

So instead, he drew his legs closer to his body and bared his teeth at the dog, which obligingly sat down and started wagging its tail.

Good. Time to make the best of this incredibly shitty situation.

First, he had to suppress all the emotions and the pain he was currently attempting to feel. His fear for Dave, the anger of hiding for fifteen years only to have his home invaded, all of it: he packed it up and locked it away. There would be time to rage-quit later.

If there was any chance that he could rescue Dave, he damn well had to take it.

Next: where was he? Not a closet, because it was too long and empty, and very short. He didn’t know if he’d be able to sit up, even if his arms and legs were free. There was another black lump lying, unmoving, about three feet in front of him. He figured it was Jade. He could see light coming from beneath him, but nowhere else.

He must be in the smuppet trap. Both he and Jade, and Jade’s goddamn dog, were stuffed in the smuppet trap.

As far as Bro knew, there was no way out of the smuppet trap, though admittedly he had never been in it before. Without his katana, there wasn’t much he could do about opening the door. So. Time to –

Jade was waking up.

He heard her moan, and then a slight sliding noise as she moved.

“Dave?” she whispered.

“No. It’s me, Dave’s Bro. Your dog is here too,” Bro said.

“I’m Jade,” Jade said, even though Bro already knew her name. Dave talked about her quite a bit.

“Nice to meet you, wish we weren’t both tied up. You can call me Dirk,” said Bro.

“Thanks,” Jade said. “Do you know what happened to Dave?” She sounded worried.

“No,” said Bro. “But you can damn well bet I’m going to find out.”

“I’ll help!” Jade said. Then she paused for a moment. “Oh, I know! Don’t worry, I’ll be right back.”

Before Bro could ask what the hell she meant by that, she had called over her dog and ordered it to take her home.

There was a flash of green light and both girl and dog disappeared.

Oh, right, the dog could fucking teleport.

Well, it was nice that Jade was gone and all, but Bro wasn’t going to wait around for his brother’s girlfriend to come rescue him. This entire time he had been tugging at the knots on his ankles, and now his legs were free. He would have felt relief once the rope was off, but to do that he would have had to be feeling pain or discomfort beforehand, which, of course, he hadn’t.

About to try his luck with the ropes on his hands, Bro froze as he heard a shout coming from beneath him.

Were the Felt really still there? That might explain why they hadn’t just killed him. Bro pressed his ear to the floor and tried to hear the conversation below him.

“What’s the matter with you, Eggs?” Crowbar growled. Presumably, Eggs was the one who had yelled.

“The little birdshit bit me,” Eggs whined. “I was telling ‘im exactly what I was gonna do to ‘is little friend for shooting me full of bullets, and ‘e just bit me.”

Bro filed this little quote away to be amused about later.

“Maybe you shouldn’t be putting your goddamn arm so close to his goddamn face, then!” Crowbar said.

There was a burst of very distinctive laughter – high pitched, squeaky, almost like a series of rapid hiccups. Clover. Why was he still there? And more importantly, why was Dave still there? What were they waiting for?

“Can it, Clover,” Cans said, in his deep, slow voice. He sounded like a contrabassoon with a cockney accent. Clover ignored him.

“Whyarewestillherethisisboringiwonderiftheresanycoffeeimsoboredyoudontevenknow!” That was presumably Itchy. Bro could make out the words, but it seemed that Itchy’s friends couldn’t.

“What?” said Cans.

“’E says ‘e’s bored an’ ‘e wants coffee,” said Eggs.

“I like coffee,” said Biscuits.

“Well, tough!” This was Crowbar again. Bro agreed with him, because he distinctly remembered using the coffee maker to KO Fin yesterday. Or was it that morning?

“We have to wait for the Snowman, and she’s gonna be real pissed if both of yez is all strung out on coffee. And don’t be thinking of drinking anything harder at a time like this, either,” Crowbar finished.

Just then, there was another flash of green light in the smuppet trap, and Jade and Bec returned. Bro hoped that nobody below was noticing the suspicious lightning flashes. Rolling onto his back, he managed to sit up. He was mildly surprised to see Jade, but he wasn’t going to let on.

“I got Dave’s spare katana for you, and a knife,” Jade whispered. “Stay still.”

She shuffled around on her knees until she was behind him, then cut the bindings on his hands. Bro saw the shape of a very large gun slung across her back.

“Thanks,” he said, as she passed him the katana. “Oh man, this is a piece of cheap shit.”

Jade let out a tiny chuckle, then stifled it behind her hand. “That’s what Dave always says about it,” she said. “That’s why I got the knife too.”

“The knife” proved to be a very long carving knife with an extra long handle, for some reason. Still too short for Bro’s taste, but he could work with anything. He was a Strider, after all.

“Here, drink this,” Jade said, handing him a bottle. He put the knife down, unscrewed the cap, and sniffed it.

“What is this?” He said, moving the knife away from Bec’s sniffing nose.

“Orange juice. For the electrolytes. It would have been apple juice, but I’m running low. Does your shoulder need to be bandaged? I could get the first aid kit.”

“It’s all good. I don’t feel it,” Bro said honestly, drinking the juice. He didn’t know how much he needed it, but it was better to be polite, and besides, he was thirsty.

“If you start to move around again, it might bleed more and make you pass out,” Jade pointed out. “At least bandage it?”

Bro didn’t think there was time for that. “Hold on,” he said, and, handing the flask back to her, he put his ear to the floor again.

It seemed the Felt was still talking about the Snowman.

“I wish Fin were ‘ere,” Eggs was saying. “’E’d know ‘ow long we’re gonna be stuck ‘ere in this miserable ‘ole.”

“Don’t you even know anything?” Crowbar said, sounding like he was at the end of his patience. “She always turns up at something oh eight.”

“It’s seven fifty,” Eggs said hopefully.

“That means we got... ten... eleven? um... three...” Biscuits’ voice broke off into unintelligible muttering.

“Eighteenminutesyouidiotiddyouknowyoucanmaketwocupsofcoffeeineighteenminutes?” Itchy said, and Bro thought he detected a note of irritation in the obnoxiously high-pitched voice.

Bro sat up.

“We have eighteen minutes,” he said.

“Then what?” Jade asked.

“The Snowman arrives. And it will be 8:08, so she’ll be packing. Got any bandages? You’re right about my shoulder,” Bro said, glad he was wearing his wifebeater and not a t-shirt, given the placement of the injury.

Jade and Bec disappeared momentarily and then reappeared with the first-aid kit.

Bro took it and tried to find the roll of bandages by touch.

“Who’s the Snowman?” Jade asked.

“Snowman is the leader of these goons. You may not have noticed, but all of them have time-related powers, even if they are really shitty ones. Well, Snowman is the worst, or perhaps I should say the strongest, especially when she’s at any time ending in 8 or during the hour of 8 AM. Ouch!”

That last was because he had nearly stuck his finger into his own stab wound.

“Are you okay?” Jade said.

“Yeah, it’s fine.”

“Do you need a hand?

“No.”

“Hehe, okay! Um, what does the Snowman want with Dave?” Jade asked.

“What would anyone want with a teenage birdman? He hasn’t really got anything to do with time, I suppose, but he’d be damn useful to her if she could get him to cooperate,” Bro said.

“But that doesn’t make any sense! It’s obvious that he’s not going to cooperate, and why would she waste the lives of the rest of the gang trying to get him? Jade asked.

Bro knew the answers to those questions, and his natural instinct was not to trust Jade. But at that point, he didn’t really have much of a choice; this information might be crucial to Dave’s rescue.

“He has some resistance to time powers, which makes him a threat to her,” he said slowly. “It’s heredity, because I’m as fast if not faster than Itchy. Dave might be able to do that too. But I think he has a different skillset, probably due to the fact that he’s part bird.”

Jade absorbed this information, and Bro taped down the end of the bandage. Pushing the first aid kit away, he rotated his shoulder, testing his own work. Pretty good.

“Itchy is the one with the yellow hat, right?” Jade said.

“Yeah.”

“What do the other ones do?” she asked.

“Alright. The ones who are already here are Itchy, Clover, Crowbar, Eggs, Biscuits, and Cans. Matchsticks, Doze, and Quarters are also here, but they’re dead, so they don’t count for shit,” Bro explained.

“Itchy is fast, and Eggs and Biscuits multiply,” Jade said. “If I get the chance, I’m going to kill them right away this time.

“Eggs first,” Bro advised. “Crowbar just has a Crowbar, but he’s actually not a retard like the rest of them. Cans can punch people into the past or the future. Clover is the one I told you not to shoot, and he’s insanely lucky, so if you tried to hurt him you’d probably just end up injuring yourself.

“What about the Snowman?”

“She can freeze time, and travel within a short radius, like your dog, while everyone else is frozen. She can also localize a time freeze to a specific person.”

“That sounds bad,” Jade said.

“Tell me about it,” Bro muttered.

There was another commotion below them. Both Bro and Jade leapt to listen in.

“Come on, bird boy, we’re going to the roof,” Crowbar was saying grimly.

“Get your fucking hands off of me!” That was Dave.

The sound of a slap. “We already told you to shaddup, now do it, feather shit!”

The sound of Dave and Biscuits’ oven being dragged to the door faded. Moments later, Bro heard a tiny far-away bang that signified that the mobsters had just left the apartment. He sat up.

“Pass me the carving knife,” he said, itching to get out and chop off some more ugly hat-clad heads.

“Let’s blow this joint!”


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which a fight goes down.

Unlike Bro, Dave didn’t have the useful ability to ignore pain, mental or emotional. When meant that right now, he felt like absolute shit.

The physical part he could deal with – he’d had far worse in his fights with Bro, who expected him to be able to keep going until there was a clear winner to the fight. What he was having trouble with was those goddamn feelings.

Fuck it all, how could he have let Jade walk into this with him? How could have he been so fucking stupid? Why was he such a danger to literally everyone around him, everyone who he’d ever fucking loved? Maybe he should have just died on the way to that perfect fucking island! Fuck that shit, maybe he should have just died at birth, the way his parents wanted.

He wasn’t paying attention to what the Felt was saying as they waited around on the roof for the Snowman. Only Clover, Eggs, Biscuits, and Crowbar were there – Cans had been left downstairs as a guard for Jade and Bro. Eggs and Biscuits were standing on either side of him, holding his arms, and Crowbar was a little to their right, leaning against the air conditioning unit. Clover was sort of wandering around the roof, chuckling to himself and rubbing his plump little hands at random intervals.

Dave sure did notice when time froze.

The strangest sensation suddenly overwhelmed him – it was like being able to breathe underwater, as if time itself were swirling him around in flows and eddies and currents. Looking up in surprise, he realised that everyone was perfectly still, though Eggs’ and Biscuits’ clammy hands were still warm on his arms, so they weren’t’ actually frozen. Dave tried to wrench his arms free, thinking that perhaps this was an opportunity to escape, but the mobsters’ grip was just as firm as before.

There was a flicker of movement in the centre of the roof, and Dave instantly swung his head towards it as if pulled by a magnet. A ball of green energy that reminded him forcibly of Jade’s dog was hovering a few feet in the air, glowing and growing, until, in a flash of bright white light, a woman appeared. That floppy black hat, that green, sequined dress perfectly tailored to her lithe body, that preposterously long cigarette holder – it had to be the Snowman.

Dave tensed up, but she didn’t do anything. After materializing, she turned, smirked at him, and re-started time. Eggs and Itchy, who had both been talking over each other simultaneously before the time freeze, began speaking mid-word (or mid-babble, in the case of Itchy), but then stopped abruptly.

Snowman laughed, low and throaty, then said lazily, “Hello, boys,” then flicked some ashes from the end of her cigarette holder. “I see you’ve caught our little feathered friend... but where are the rest of you?”

“Matchsticks, Doze, and Quarters are dead. Cans is downstairs,” Crowbar said, actually bowing to her. Dave might have thought he was an obnoxious toady if he weren’t too busy being self-depreciating.

“How unfortunate,” Snowman said, her voice not changing tone or pitch. Crowbar flinched. “All the more reason for this birdman to join us.”

Dave couldn’t believe his ears. After beating up his brother and best friend and then forcibly capturing him, the Snowman though he was going to join her?

“Fat fucking chance,” he spat.

“Oh, my,” Snowman said disdainfully. “I hate to force your hand, my dear, but if you don’t cooperate, we’ll kill you.” She took a long drag from her cigarette.

“And your pervert brother and your little friend will get it too,” Crowbar sneered. Dave got the feeling that this was the first time since he’d arrived that Crowbar was enjoying himself.

“Hostages?” the Snowman said, raising her eyebrows and blowing out a stream of white smoke.

“Yes ma’am,” said Crowbar, grinning nastily.

“Ingenious.”

“Why thank you, ma’am.” Crowbar was practically simpering.

“You can’t kill Jade. She’s probably already gone,” Dave said, praying this was the case.

“I can hunt her down,” Snowman said casually. “I have –” she paused and grinned like a shark “– time.”

The Felt burst into obedient laughter. Even the dim-witted Biscuits let out a guffaw. Clover was the only one who really seemed to be laughing. Dave was sick of his stupid laugh.

“We’ll see about that, bitch!”

At the same time as Jade’s voice rang out across the rooftop, there was an incredibly loud gunshot, and blood exploded over Dave’s side as Eggs fell to the ground with a hole through his head, his hat rolling a few feet away and spinning to a stop. His honed Strider reflexes kicking into gear, Dave used his now-free arm to punch Biscuits in the face, then dove out of his grip and rolled to the ground. Jade’s gun roared to life again, catching Biscuits in the shoulder.

Dave got to his feet and saw Bro running towards him, holding two katanas, one of which he threw towards him. Catching it, Dave winced at his cramped wings and bruised limbs.

Clover must have flipped Eggs’s coin, because suddenly Fin appeared in front of him, though he seemed the worse for wear from his earlier adventures with Bro’s coffeemaker. As Dave lifted his katana to slice in half the bullets from Fin’s pistol, the heard the telltale ringing of the egg timer behind him and wondered what the hell was going on. Eggs was dead, for gog’s sake, and he, Dave, was covered in the proof.

“Fuck!” he heard Bro shout. “Jade, watch out! Biscuits has...”

A round of furious barking drowned out any further words, then another round of gunshots.

How the hell had Biscuits, of all people, learned to use that goddamn egg timer? The guy couldn’t even wind a pocket watch, let alone work the egg timer.

Fin clipped a few of Dave’s feathers with a bullet, and he hissed in his breath as they were painfully ripped out.

“Fuck you!” he said, turning his full attention back to Fin, Biscuits be damned. Fin, it seemed, was going to be harder to kill than he should have been. Every time he moved towards him to strike, Fin had already taken a step back.

Because he could see future trails. Fuck!

Only if Dave stayed in the same place could he prevent Fin from predicting his moves, because the trial would be confused. But Dave didn’t have a long-range weapon.

Gun versus beat-up guy with katana. Dave had to figure out some way to trick Fin, and fast.

Dave’s first instinct was to feint all over the place, but what he really needed was to be everywhere at one time.

All of a sudden Fin’s eyes widened in confusion, and Dave knew what was about to happen. He lunged forward, stabbing Fin through the heart, then spread his wings wide and turned in a circle over the corpse, creating a huge, cloudy future trail. Coming to a stop, breathing heavily, Dave watched Fin’s eyes glaze over.

Time travel sure was weird. He shivered, and turned around, finding himself facing a huge crowd of Biscuits.

The rest of the Felt had been called into the fight, except for those who were already dead, Stitch, and Die. Bro had killed Itchy and Sawbuck and was working on both Crowbar and the Snowman. His shoulder wound was bleeding heavily and his bandages were soaked with red; he was also sporting several more cuts on his arms and one on his face. Bec was worrying Trace, and Jade was desperately shooting, a pistol in each hand, into a swarm of Biscuits. Clover was running around, cackling madly, indiscriminately trying to trip people from both sides.

It was only a matter of time before Jade ran of bullets, or the Snowman and Crowbar overwhelmed Bro. Instinct told Dave to help Bro, but his heart told him to fight his way over to Jade. And, common sense told him to help Bec, because even if the dog was bullet proof, it was still a fucking dog, for God’s sake. A teleporting dog, but –

Running forward, Dave circled around the mob of Biscuits so he didn’t get shot, wielding his katana as a shield, bouncing bullets left and right. A few of them ricocheted around, giving the multiplying mobsters minor injuries. When he was near enough to Jade to be heard over the barking of her dog and the near-constant gunfire, he yelled her name.

She didn’t hear him. He decapitated a stray Biscuit.

“Jade!” Still no reply. “Jade!”

“What?” She didn’t look away from her foes as she spoke.

Crowbar had disengaged from Bro and was heading Dave’s way.

“Bec can travel to space!” he yelled.

Crowbar lifted his crowbar to swing, and Dave only just got his katana up in time to block him. Jade frowned in concentration, then gasped.

“Bec!” she yelled. The dog froze, his ears erect. Trace shot him, and he vanished and reappeared next to Jade. The bullet hit one of the Biscuits.

“Bec, boy, send Biscuits to outer space,” Jade said. The dog only cocked his head in confusion.

“Orange-stripe-hat-man! Send him to space, he’ll die! Do it!”

She pulled the trigger on her left-hand gun and there was a dull click, and she was nearly surrounded, so there was no time to reload. Dave couldn’t help her; Crowbar was giving him even more of a run for his money than Fin had. Jade threw down her gun, and Becquerel began to glow, to pulse with green energy.

“Watch out!” Jade yelled, aiming her gun over Dave’s head, and Bec leaped, his canine form stretching to cover every single instance of Biscuits, his oven, and the egg timer. As they vanished, Dave caught a glimpse of stars.

Jade was shooting at something behind him, but he didn’t have time to turn around and see what before time froze again.

Dave whirled around, ready to fly across the blood-splattered roof to stab the Snowman before she could stab him. He vaguely noticed that Jade had been shooting at Trace, who was being tripped by Clover. But the Snowman wasn’t doing anything. She was waiting for him to look at her.

He never found out what her original plan was, because he was lifting off the roof already, almost unconsciously. As his feet left the ground his pulse began to pound in his ears, and the feeling of breathing underwater began to change to a feeling of surfacing.

Hearing sound, he looked around in surprise, trying to figure out where it was coming from. Then he realised – it was Jade’s pistol, firing very, very slowly. The world was moving again, but at the pace of continental drift. What the hell was going on?

“So,” said the Snowman, striding forward, freezing time again with a flick of her wrist. “You think you can fly in here and use time powers without joining the Felt?”

“I hate to tell you this, but neon green looks like shit on everyone ever, even if their complexion isn’t orange like a fucking cheeto,” Dave said, flying even higher. Snowman narrowed her eyes, fighting him with her mind. Time didn’t start again, but Dave didn’t care; he was testing the Snowman, not his “powers,” which were only interesting to him in that they explained why he was being chased.

“It’s eight o’clock, and it will be forever or until I say so, dear, so don’t even think about resisting me. And, if you were getting any clever ideas, you may wish to know that if you kill me it will stay this way forever. So, if I were you, I would come down carefully and not cause any problems,” the Snowman said, sounding utterly unconcerned.

“Or what?” Dave said, tensing up, “You’ll blow smoke at me some more?”

The Snowman reached into a fold of her dress that must have been a pocket. Dave, sensing that she was going for a weapon, dove directly for her, causing the world to start slowly again in a rush of his wings just as he got within striking range.

He didn’t have time to think about whether the Snowman had been telling the truth about the world freezing or not. He slashed down towards her throat with his katana, but she was fast, ducking out of the way and unsheathing the gold fountain pen/sword that had been in her pocket.

His second stab connected with the sword, and he discovered to his horror that she was stronger than she looked. Her swing nearly unbalanced him, even as she simultaneously re-froze the world. Realising that he was up against a very talented, no doubt clever and experienced fighter, Dave felt cold dread sliding into the pit of his stomach. He had to keep the one advantage he had, which was his wings, though fighting in the air was a disadvantage for him, too, because he had to keep a constant hover or risk impaling himself on her sword.

Reminding himself to breathe slowly and think, Dave tried to fight to the natural rhythm of his wingbeats – striking on the down-stroke and retreating on the up-stroke. But it wouldn’t be long before his moves became predictable that way. He felt a trickle of sweat sliding down his forehead.

“So that’s how you want it, hmm?” the Snowman hissed. Dave could see a cold green light burning in her black eyes. He didn’t know how she had become head of the Felt, but in that moment he could almost hear the screams of the men she’d murdered to become what she was today – an ice-hearted, bloodstained murderess. What was one little freak with wings to a monster like her?

Dave almost faltered. Almost. The memory of Jade’s own green eyes, so warm where these ones were cold, so welcoming where these ones would throw him out of the air if they could, reminded him to twist aside from the Snowman’s next sword-stroke. If he survived this, he promised himself, he would ask Jade out immediately.

“Damn straight,” Dave said, slashing downwards. Snowman stopped his blade and tried to spear his stomach, but he was already pulling away, and she only grazed him, drawing a thin red scratch from is ribs to his waist.

“You’d let the world freeze for eternity?” she challenged him, pushing him back.

“Better than letting you run it,” Dave said.

The Snowman nearly purred. “That will happen no matter what you do, little boy.” Her voice was full of suppressed mirth, and her tongue darted over her sharp canines. Dave tried to manoeuvre around her, but she wasn’t giving him any quarter.

“Fuck you,” he growled, trying his hardest to keep her from driving him back. Slash, thrust, move back, back again, lunge. Slash, slash, oh god!

The Snowman suddenly stopped, and Dave almost unbalanced and fell over, partly in surprise, and partly because she had just scored another hit to his wing before pulling back. They were at the edge of the roof.

Dave froze for a moment, and so did she, both of them realising the implications of this at the same time. The Snowman couldn’t push him forwards any more without falling over the edge. But, he wasn’t a good enough swordsman to push her back.

The Snowman grinned. How could she possibly be imagining that this could turn to her advantage?

In the tone one would use to tell someone not to show their hand of poker, she said conversationally, “You’re bleeding.”

Before Dave could look at his own wing and see what the damage was, the Snowman had taken out her lance.

Did she think she was going to fight him with that thing? Was she fucking serious? If she wanted to kill him she would have to gore him to death!

And holy fuck, he had a bull’s-eye painted on his chest, because that thing had so much more reach than his katana did that it wasn’t even ironic.

Dave’s heart started to pound. Just as in the fight with Fin, his adrenalin started telling him that he was about to do something incredibly stupid, something that would either save him or damn him. He saw the Snowman’s lance heading straight towards him and, tensing his muscles, threw himself forward and somersaulted over her head, simultaneously sweeping his katana behind him as he landed. He felt and heard the snick as it severed muscle and bit bone, and it was nearly wrenched out of his hand as his feet hit the concrete roof with a bone-shaking thud. Throwing out one hand to stop himself from falling, he heard the Snowman fall to her knees.

He had effectively decapitated her from behind.

Dave knew he should immediately jump to his feet and turn around, but he stayed down on one knee for a moment, watching blood from his scraped-up knee and palm bubble up and start flowing onto the dirty concrete of the roof. Then, he slowly got to his feet, still keeping his katana at the ready, and discovered that the Snowman’s body had fallen off the roof.

There was absolutely no way he was going to leave it lying 20 stories below without checking to make sure she really was dead, even though he had her blood all over his katana. He had watched way too many horror movies to let this one go.

Deciding not to bother with the running start, Dave jumped off the side of the building, opening his wings to slow his fall. At first, he felt like something was missing, and then realised that the bubbling-to-the-surface feeling wasn’t as strong as it should be. But in spite of what the Snowman had said about her death causing the world to freeze forever, as he began to gain momentum, the feeling grew stronger.

He felt a little bit weird about flying around in his city, the one that he’d never been allowed to go out in before, but of course nobody was watching him now. The Snowman’s corpse was quite obviously breathing no more, so he did a really tight turn, swooping low to fly back up. As he rose, the sounds of the city began to return to him. The pressure was building under him like a cork, until he shot up over the roof like a rocket, hung in the air for a few seconds, then made a steep dive back down to land at precisely the moment that the world resumed normal speed.

Ha! Guess you weren’t as important as you thought you were, bitch! Dave thought to himself.

As his feet touched down on the roof, several things happened at once.

Jade’s bullet resumed its path forward.

A ball of green light appeared, releasing Bec back to the rooftop, directly in front of the bullet.

This wouldn’t have been a problem if Clover hadn’t been behind Bec. Whether it was his intervention or just normal bad luck they would never know, but Jade’s bullet redirected and hit Dave in the stomach.


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Dave reveals the hidden powers he didn't know he had.

Jade realised what had happened before Bro did, having seen Bec redirect bullets thousands of times before.

“Dave!” she screamed, running over to him. Crowbar, realising that the Snowman was gone, ran away from Bro just as Clover flipped his coin and disappeared, leaving Trace to fall over Quarters’s newly relocated corpse. Bro, realising that the battle was over, sheathed his katana and ran over to Jade and Dave.

Jade had dropped her gun and was pressing her slip to Dave’s stomach to stop the bleeding.

“Dave, Dave, Dave,” she said breathlessly, almost sobbing but trying to stay calm, for his sake. For his part, Dave’s face was very pale, his lips set, his teeth and fists clenched.

“Oh my God,” Bro said, his voice tight.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” Jade cried. “Don’t worry, Dave, we’ll take care of you. You’ll be fine, I promise!”

Dave couldn’t speak, but he shook his head limply. Jade thought he might be trying to tell her that it wasn’t her fault, but it was, it was, it was!

“Jade, get that motherfucking mutt of yours to take us to the hospital right fucking now!” Bro said.

Jade noticed tear tracks beginning to slowly make their way down Dave’s cheeks.

“Bec n-needs a picture,” Jade wailed.

“Fuck it,” Bro spat. “Becquerel, get your ass over here. I am talking to you, bitch.” Bec was busy taunting Trace, the only mobster left on the rooftop.

Turning to Dave, Bro said, “Hang in there, little man,” and squeezed his hand. Dave didn’t seem to hear.

Just then, Bec came over, as ordered. Bro let go of Dave’s hand and lifted his own shades, then put his hands on either side of the dog’s face. Looking deep into Bec’s eyes, he said, “Eidolon Hospital, any free operating room. Take us all there, now. And if you fucking hurt him again, I swear to God I will fucking kill you, space dog.”

Miraculously, Bec seemed to understand. He began to crackle with green light, and then they were all in the hospital room.

It was empty except for a single nurse, who was filling out some paperwork by the door. When three kids and a dog, all of them liberally covered in blood, appeared before her, she screamed and dropped her pen.

“Get Doctor Lalonde and Doctor Egbert right now, and don’t tell anyone else about this if you want this boy to live,” Bro ordered.

She didn’t even look back, running out of the room and slamming the door shut behind her.

In spite of his best efforts to stay completely still, Dave was beginning to convulse. Jade heard him let out a groan and started crying, taking one of her bloody hands off of his stomach to hold his. Bro unsheathed his katana and stood by the door, waiting. Though it only took the Doctor five minutes to get there, it was an eternity for every one of the three.

When she finally came, Jade didn’t bat an eyelash at the fact that her scrubs were hot pink or that she was wearing black lipstick and nail polish. She took one look at Dave and said, “Good God,” and got Bro to help her get him onto the operating table without breaking his wings.

“You!” she barked at Jade. “Get that dog out of here.”

Jade shoed Bec into the hallway and told him to sit and stay. In the meantime, Doctor Lalonde asked Bro what kind of gun Dave had been shot with, and from what distance.

“Colt M1911 pistol, about fifteen feet away, and the trajectory should have been nearly ruler straight – it-it usually is,” Jade said automatically, though she could barely get the words out.

“Right. Sweetheart, you go find a waiting room, and Bro here is going to help me patch his brother up,” Doctor Lalonde said, her face composed but pale. Bro’s expression was tightly controlled, as if he might punch something at any minute.

Dave lost control again for a moment and let out a sharp gasp, and Bro flinched so slightly that it was barely detectable.

“What are you waiting for?” he said harshly, and she immediately spun around and left, almost colliding with a second doctor, who looked more like a businessman than anything, but at that point Jade would have pinner her hopes on a shoe salesman if she thought he could save Dave. As she closed the door slowly she heard Doctor Lalonde say, “If the girl’s right and the bullet went straight, then his liver’s probably gone.”

Outside in the barren hallway, where she could no longer hear Dave screaming, Jade’s head cleared past the point of “My God, what have I done?” to “Oh my God, I think I love this boy.”

Fine time to figure that out, when he was dying by her own guilty hands!

She threw her arms around Bec, slid to the floor with her arms and face buried in his thick fur, and sobbed.


	17. The Payoff

Between the time that Bro and Dave went out of surgery and the time they came out, hospital officials tried to throw Jade and Bec out three times, but that wasn’t very important.

The important part was that when Bro came out into the hallway to tell Jade that she and Becquerel were needed, he didn’t look like a man who’d just watched his son die. In spite of Jade’s worst fears, Dave had made it through the surgery alive.

The rush of relief she felt upon hearing that was so immense she nearly cried again, but Bro told her that Dave had to be cleared out quickly, since nobody could know he was there. When she went back into the operating room, he looked much the same as he had on the night that she’d rescued him from the storm – thin, pale, orange. But this time, covered in bandages.

The two doctors were loath to let Dave be moved by teleport until Bro had demonstrated a few times. Then they were given strict orders, which Bro wrote down, and they teleported back to Jade’s house, which was the only refuge left to them that wasn’t completely trashed.

Bro, who was carrying Dave, put him down in his bed and covered him with blankets. Then he and Jade went to the kitchen, where the dirty dishes from that morning were still heaped in the sink.

Jade nearly went over the edge again, remembering how Dave had made her eggs and toast even though he was leaving the house. But he would live, so there was no reason to cry. All the same, Bro came over and gruffly gave her a hug, saying that it wasn’t her fault and that it would be fine.

And that made her feel just the tiniest bit better.

҉

Dave opened his eyes and found himself back in his room at Jade’s house. At first, he was disoriented and confused, remembering snatches of his fight with the Snowman as if it had been a dream. His mind flashed back to the terrible pain that had come after, and he gasped and put his hand to his stomach, which was neatly bandaged. But there was no blood, and there was no pain.

Cautiously, he sat up, discovering in the process that his wings were stiff. He must be on heavy painkillers, because to have that degree of immobility they should have been hurting like hell.

His shades were on the nightstand, but for once he didn’t feel the need to put them on. He was feeling pretty chill right then. At least he was wearing a shirt.

His chance to do so surreptitiously was lost as the door opened and his favourite girl in the world peered in.

“Dave?” she said. Seeing that he was sitting up, she said, “Oh, Dave,” and the relief in her voice made him grin.

“Hey there, Harley,” Dave said. “Didn’t think I would make it, did you?”

He was so damn glad to see her, though he was surprised that she wasn’t jumping up and down and screaming. Maybe she didn’t want to get him pissed off or something, in case he split his stitches.

“Don’t be shy, you can come into the man-cave,” he said, trying to put her at ease. He hadn’t forgotten his own resolution to ask her out, bandages or no bandages.

She giggled, and slowly came in. Dave waited patiently until she came within arm’s reach, then grabbed her hand and pulled her towards him, which was no mean feat considering that he was trying not to move his torso.

He let go of her and patted the side of the bed. “Sit.”

“You’re not wearing your shades,” Jade said wonderingly.

“Ehh, didn’t feel like it. What, do you think I’m not ironic enough without them?” Dave said.

“Oh, no! You are definitely still ironic, Mister Cool Guy, whether you have shades or not,” Jade assured him, giving him a cute smile.

“Even though my eyes are red?”

Jade looked surprised that he would ask a question like that. “Of course!” she said. “Green eyes are too mainstream. I’m lucky I have you to teach me how to be really cool, ‘cause I don’t think I’d be very good at it otherwise. You know what they say, it’s all in the eyes!”

Her answer made Dave’s heart flutter a little bit, like a startled bird. Of all the fucking stupid metaphors...

However, Jade still didn’t seem to be her usual self.

“Aren’t you glad I’m not dead?” he said, quirking one eyebrow.

“Oh, yes,” she said fervently.

“Oh, yeah?” he said.

“Dave, you don’t seriously think I’d be happy if you died, did you?” Jade said, looking aghast. 

“Nah,” said Dave, and he meant it. “But all the same, what’s up?”

Jade looked down and clasped her hands together in her lap. “It’s my fault you were shot,” she said. “I saw Clover, but I was aiming for Trace! I just didn’t think, and I’m sorry.”

“Dude,” Dave said, putting his hand on her chin and turning her face towards him. “Dude, Harley, if anyone’s to blame it’s your space-walking dog, or Clover himself, or better yet, the murderous bitch who started all this to begin with.”

Jade wasn’t meeting his gaze. And he had left his shades off and everything. Godamnit, what a waste!

“Dirk said something like that...” Jade said. “He’s here, by the way.”

“Because my apartment’s trashed?”

“Yeah, and because you’re here and he wants to make sure I don’t kill you by accident,” Jade said.

Okay, that was nice. He could get all fuzzy about Bro’s brotherly concern later. Right now, Jade was his primary concern.

“Jade,” he said seriously. “Listen to me, Harley. Even if it was completely one hundred percent your fault that I got shot, I forgive you.” He thought about that for a moment. “As long as it didn’t permanently cripple me. Please, God, I used to have such sweet abs.”

Jade laughed. “You’ll be fine,” she said. Dave heard in her voice that she felt better now. “You have to do physical therapy and stuff, but Doctor Lalonde says you’re really lucky, and you won’t be able to tell you were shot when you’re fully recovered!”

“Thank God,” Dave said. “I don’t think I could take it if I lost this precious six-pack, Jade, I really don’t.

Giggling again, Jade said, “I’m sure it’s all fine, Dave.”

She was looking up at him now, and their eyes met.

Any clever lines Dave had been about to say sort of vanished from his mind. Slowly, he raised his hand to her face again. “Hey there, Harley,” he said, cupping her chin in one hand. Seemingly unaware of herself, Jade leaned towards him slightly.

“Hey, Dave,” she said.

“Imma ask you something... you wanna go out with me, Harley? Even though you shot me, and I’m a bird?”

Jade’s smile was like a firework going off. “Yes,” she said, even more fervently than when she had said she was glad he wasn’t dead.

“Well then,” Dave said, still holding her gaze with his. Now that she was closer to him he could put a hand on either side of her face, take her glasses off, and draw her gently in to him. Her eyes were so green and so beautiful he thought he couldn’t possibly be seeing her face so close.

Maybe he was dead.

He damn well better not be dead. This was too fucking good to be wasted on a dead guy.

He kissed her. His heart roared, “Oh yes, oh hell fucking yes!”

Jade’s must have been saying the same thing, because she wrapped her arms around him, running her fingers through his feathers. Before he knew it she had put one leg over him and was sitting on his lap. Her warmth against his chest felt so wonderfully right.

It was totally worth getting shot at, nearly drowned, stabbed, and shot by a space dog to get to this moment. It was _so fucking worth it_.


	18. Pesterlog 4/Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One month later.

**\--turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT]--**  
TG: hey bro  
TT: Hey, man. How’s the island?  
TT: Have you made any babies yet?  
TG: haha lolnope  
TT: Why ever the hell not?  
TG: you expressly told me not to impregnate including anyone including jade and her dog dont give me that crap  
TT: Yeah, but you’re a man, aren’t you?  
TG: you never had a goddamn baby in your entire life so shut the fuck up  
TT: That’s because I am not a man, I am secretly an otherkin.  
TG: you can stop right there  
TT: I am truly in my soul a beluga whale.  
TT: Do you want to know how big my dick is?  
TG: you know what  
TG: NO  
TT: You’re missing out, man.  
TG: no im really not  
TT: I meant the sex thing.  
TT: I know what happens when you leave two kids alone on an island for more than five seconds.  
TG: dude me and jades typical date is me writing a rap or a song for her and then we watch some shitty anime together and if im lucky we make out  
TG: does that make you feel better about yourself  
TT: Yes.  
TG: youre welcome  
TT: That was ironic.  
TG: i know  
TG: by the way imma go flying again tomorrow  
TG: just for a couple of minutes  
TG: this bullet to the chest business is really shitty  
TT: Sorry, man.  
TG: yeah yeah yeah its fine  
TG: jade is really supportive and shit  
TG: when i can use a katana again fo reals you and me are gonna have the most epic show down on the roof ever  
TG: and i do mean epic  
TT: Maybe I’ll even let you get close enough to draw blood.  
TG: bring it on  
TT: Don’t I always?  
TG: oh hell yes  
TT: As I recall, you were never this excited about duelling when you actually lived here.  
TG: i can cut bullets in half and stop time now  
TG: also jade is the one who gets to patch me up  
TT: You lucky little S.O.B.  
TT: Don’t injure yourself too often, she might get suspicious.  
TG: the ironic part is that its never on purpose haha  
TG: cover intact  
TT: Sure, it’s not.  
TG: i sure as hell didnt plan to get shot  
TG: speaking of that hows the apartment doing  
TT: It’s not bad.  
TT: It smells like Broritos again instead of blood, so that’s pretty chill.  
TT: I also had to pay the police egregious sums of money to not search my apartment when they cleared up the corpses on the roof.  
TG: do you want me to pay you back or something  
TT: Nah, man, you’re just as broke as me, and besides, it wasn’t your fucking fault.  
TT: Doc Lalonde isn’t even making me pay the hospital bill. She said the state can pick up the tab, and I, for one, agree.  
TG: she seems pretty chill  
TT: Yep.  
TT: Anyway, that’s all the news.  
TG: sweet  
TG: imma go now jade wants to go outside  
TT: Making out in a bush really isn’t necessary, considering no-one is watching you, but if that’s how you roll, that’s cool, I guess.  
TG: oh my god bro  
TG: im not even gonna waste my breath  
TT: Smart choice.  
TT: Good-bye.  
TG: bye bro  
**\--[TG] ceased pestering [TT]--**


End file.
